Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This photo is of New Year's Eve in Paris...wish I was there....but I am not so............................
I was thinking about how New Years resolutions are odd. I mean it doesn't take New Years to find something about myself I want to work on.

With that being said my resolutions:

I want to read more

I want to gossip less

I want to just "BE" more which actually means do less:)

I want to plan more and react less

I want to laugh a lot more

I want to cry less

I want to drive less and ride my bike a lot more:)

I want to be a better me......

Have safe New Year!!! See you in 2011:)

Oh and check out my mom's blog: to participate in her giveaway today. She wants to know what your "word" for 2011 can check mine out under the comments. Just because I am her daughter doesn't mean I can't win her giveaway:)

Monday, December 27, 2010

I like to think you can't tell what I am thinking by my expression, but sadly I think I may have inherited the exact lack of this ability from my mother. I can read her face like a book, actually like the front page headline of the newspaper. God love her you can see her emotions simultaneously as she feels them all over her face.
I like to think I can not show judgement when I totally disagree with you, but I don't think I can. How can I work on my poker face? I want to be the wise one that keeps you guessing because you really can not tell what I am thinking.
The only way I can think to really work on this would be the obvious.....changing my way of thinking. I mean really, if I didn't "react" with emotion my face wouldn't show anything.

Case in point: Tonight about to leave work I had a problem between myself and a couple peers/coworkers. There was no right or wrong answer but they seemed to feel that there actually was a right answer and it was their answer.
Tired, exhausted and really feeling unappreciated for the tolerance I had all day for this exact type of dilemma.... I could feel my face and neck getting blotchy, aka my emotions getting the best of me and my face showing every single part of it. The more I notice the warm feeling flushing my face, the more flushed I am sure I get.
So now even if I am calm and not emotionally driven I look crazy and emotional by the shade of rosy pink my cheeks take on.
I think with maturity and experience my flushed face moments have lessened, but that doesn't make their rare occurrence any less embarrassing.
For now, I just got to chuck it up to a day at the office. An event I can learn from, and next time maybe even if I am thinking frustration....they won't see it all over my face:) Or maybe I will channel some mediation to take me down from the frustration level all together. That would be great:)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I am having a hard time today. Hard because I look back on the past six months and see how far I've come, but I can also see that I still have some more hills to conquer. And I know time is the key to the conquering. But in my true Lindsey fashion I just want it to be over, fixed and buried. I want to bulldoze the hills or just borrow someones vespa and get to the top already.
I want to be looking backwards and say "that was hard but it's over." Sometimes I say that exact sentence even though it's not over, I say it is. Some retarded thought that if I verbalize it, it will speed up.....crazy huh?
I know part of my coping mechanism is staying busy, too busy actually. I don't do well with lulls and moments of silence. The silence gets my head buzzing and the next thing I know I am disintegrating. Evaporating all the work I feel like I've done to keep myself standing, which is completly untrue but I start to think it is all undoing. All of the sudden this feeling washes over me like a wave of insanity. And there I am fighting back tears that are completely irrational. But as quickly as it comes on, it leaves. Which I always forget.
Maybe that's the anxiety, the feeling that I may loose it all together and not be able to pull it back. But I always do. I don't fall all the way apart and every time it seems my waves do get shorter and farther apart.
It's hard to believe people in my life can understand this. They can understand these crazy feelings have nothing to do with them, and actually they can understand because they have been in my shoes. They have stood where I am standing and they too made it through and they know this will all pass. They can actually tell me comforting words like "this is normal" and "it's good you are feeling this way because it shows you are working through it."
I have a lot of friends in my same sorority and I am thanking God for every single one of them tonight. And I know sadly, I will be one of them for someone else someday.

And even though my house makes me want to cry somedays, my holiday was a little off, and I am the proud budgeter for a new gardner......I am glad I had the chapter in my life before that led to all of it. And now I am off to a new chapter as someone told me (thanks Aunt B).
It was good at one just ended, and I can accept that.

2011 better watch out, I have a lot more on my bucket list....more energy, more time and an outlook that is getting brighter by the second:) Oh, and no one holding me back:) Not even myself.....

Friday, December 24, 2010

Well I learned yet another talent of Mr. Big Dog this morning. He can wrap, and I may say quite well. However, his hoarding habits have again reared their ugly face. He has a hoard of Christmas wrapping supplies that would put Martha Steward to shame. I did tease a bit about that, but then he put them to great use with his creations below. I was quite impressed:)Have a great day, Merry Christmas and get the new year started right!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

With the economy being so rotten, I know we are all trying to pinch our pennies and get the most out of our shopping. However, there are somethings I have realized you should not under any circumstances go cheap on! You get what you pay for and the more expensive is just worth it. So I am trying to save you any heartache out there....

1. Ziploc in point: When shaking Christmas chex mix in the bag to coat them with powdered is good to spend the extra dollar so the bag does not explode all over your kitchen. And for the record my dogs could not even lick it all up:(

2. Matches...yes matches. I bought cheapo grocery store brand matches and I continue to use them like an idiot. I have burned myself and countless times the match has broken while lit. I am then diving behind furniture trying to snub the burning little stick as to not burn down my house. Why I do not have a long lighter I do not know but maybe Santa could bring me one.

3. Cornbread mix. Marie Calendars is the best...will always be the best....and I think that cheap Jiffy stuff may just be sawdust with a little side of cornmeal:(

4. And last on my mind....Christmas wrapping paper. I made the mistake of buying some from Target's dollar section.....too bad I didn't really notice it's too short to cover a standard present. Long enough yes, wide enough no. So if you want to wrap tiny little packages it's great, but you really can't use it on anything else. Not worth the deal to me;) Even if it has cute little dogs with snow hats on!

Just what's on my crazy mind:)

Monday, December 20, 2010

This year I just couldn't bring myself to buy any Christmas cards to send out. If you're reading this and you are expecting one from me, sorry not this year. I promise next year it will be all the talk and the best one you've ever received but this year it's just not happening. Call it busyness, call it lack of motivation, or maybe just lack of inspiration.
What kind of card do you send post divorce? It's not yesterday but not long enough that I can really think of something to put on the card that isn't a repeat (did the dogs one year and the house another) and for obvious reasons I am not putting myself alone.
I love love love love love getting the cards from all my friends and family, especially with great family pictures and little kids in matching outfits. But really it's kind of an ever so gentle slap as to what I am "not" at the moment.
This is not to be depressing but just kind of a defense as to my lack of card sending. I do not want to ever send a really boring Christmas card, like the store bought Hallmarky ones (no offense to be taken if you like those cards).
I like my card to have a lot of thought, or at least be funny. And maybe I also have a feeling of......if I send out a card I am just acting like I am this 100% self with not a scratch from the past 6 months of uncomfortable growth. Especially to those people out there who don't see me on a daily basis or even monthly basis. I mean, I am getting there...almost there.....but not quite. And I feel like if I was to send out this little card of Christmas happiness, it might be faking it a little.
Even though I got a tree (which I love), decorated my house, and even have Christmas bandannas on my puppies:) It's just a different feeling this year. New but unfamiliar, fun but uncomfortable at times, and sometimes sentimental but other times very refreshing.
I guess it's hard to explain but I just didn't want to do cards this year, and so I am not.....
I hope those on the receiving end can understand....I love you and next year you'll get a card:) Or should I say non-receiving end:(

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I have this theory, which I can strongly argue may be fact. My mother is one of the most creative people I know. Seriously, she can make a paper bag look like a million bucks. Once she made a spectacular table setting at my house with my things (she calls this shopping around your house) in just 20mins before Thanksgiving dinner and it looked like I spent a lot of money and planned it for hours. My sister and I joke (but even my sister has more creativity than me) that our teachers knew for sure we never did our school projects without mom's flare. Once she even used plaster of paris on a barbie for my mummy project, this was in 4th grade!
So as the holiday gets close I find myself trying so very hard to be "creative" with my gifts. I am trying to make things with not much money, and a lot of thought. Even wrapping a present is overwhelming for me because my mom even sells a video on how to wrap presents. Her presents always look that great!
So it seems I would just be better off if my mom would come over and help me. Even with my decorations, this lack of creativity has become a dependence on my mom. It's gotten to the point of repeated phones calls and now IPHONE pictures, all to get a creative blessing for whatever I am working on.
I do have hope that my children will again have the gene because they will not have a creative mom, thus they will HAVE to step it up and just make special things happen. Or maybe grandma will just help them too:)
So wish me luck as I go back to work....worst case I will pull the daughter card now that my mom lives only 30mins aways:)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So for those of you who may not know....Portland, Oregon is the home to the Nike Campus, Adidas Headquarters, and Columbia Sportswear. As a local you usually have a friend or a friend of a friend, or you're a nurse and your facility gets you these awesome passes for the employee stores around town.
These stores are AMAZING! You can get stuff way cheaper and you can get stuff other people can't because it didn't make the cut for the public.
So being a nurse now at OHSU, I scored a day pass for Nike and Adidas this year. But the only glitch is that you can't take anyone with you. I don't know about you but I shop better with someone else.
I did venture to Nike all by myself and did some serious damage on Friday, but like I said I wanted to shop with someone. So I called on my sister in law who totally came thru and hooked up Mr. Big Dog and I for Saturday too!
As well as my massage guy who does massages for Columbia employes so he hooked us up for Columbia!
I was feeling pretty cool and popular with my connections, and I think Mr. Big Dog might have been a little impressed by my resoursefulness too:)
I got a new snow coat:) Mr. Big Dog got two more coats (this may be a red flag....I haven't decided yet). Some awesome Christmas gifts, an awesome picnic/snow Penelton blanket:) and who can't use more running gear??? It's actually very motivating for me to buy running just makes me want to run!
Back to Columbia...the owner/creator is an awesome local you've probably seen on the commericals and labels. Her name is Gert Boyle, aka Ma Boyle. Well we had some local drama a couple weeks ago when some guys tried to kidnap her in her home for ransom. But she is so brilliant she deployed her burglar alarm and they were all caught. Pretty neat story....she maybe kinda of my hero....

Saturday, December 11, 2010

We did some self Christmas shopping at REI last night. Mr. Big Dog "needed" a new winter snow coat. "Needed" has been an ongoing discussion. I mean I like to point out my newer found appreciation for the things I really "need" in my life. Like family, friends, food, water, maybe a day to sit back and know things I need as opposed to "want". Sure I would love a trip to Hawaii or a pair of knee high black boots, but I don't "need" them.

So this jacket is not a necessity but more of a wish or want. He works hard and plays hard so a new coat was earned:) In our adult life it's funny how are "wants" change. I mean Mr. Big Dog has been researching and googling away for the perfect coat. He checked snow magazines, websites, you name it for this big purchase perfect coat.

He found the brand he wanted online at REI....check here to see his dream coat. So now that you have the visual. We are in REI. This nice man is assisting us at the dream jacket rack. The only jackets locked up, attached to the rack in the entire store due to their "special-ness" I was informed (more like price really:) ).

We are chatting and joking about how REI must throw a parade in your honor or at least throw in a limousine ride for the purchase price of this beautiful jacket. Or how you could theoretically be stranded in the forest, find a creek and literally use this jacket to gather water like a plastic bag for your survival (really this coat is that intense). And last but not least how this coat, sad but true, will most likely outlive both of use due to its durability.

SOLD! Mr. Big Dog is ready to buy his coat:) But wait!

The conversation went something like this:

"Didn't I wear a coat into REI?"- Mr. Big Dog (MBD)

" You probably left it in the car."- oblivious me

"No, I think I wore my Northface coat in"- MBD

"Oh dear, what did it look like?"- me

"Black. Ah, the car keys are in it."-MBD

Now a little panicky we start to comb the coat area for a black northface coat, used in appearance and hopefully with car keys in the pocket (my car keys by the way).
We gathered some REI employees to join the search when an older man (employee) says, "well I did put a Marmot coat away on that rack a minute ago."

"Oh yeah! It's a marmot coat! Where? Where?"- MBD

"What! You don't even know what brand your coat is? You have a northface and a marmot coat too? What are you a collector?"-me

The very efficient older gentleman had in fact hung up Mr. Big Dog's Marmot jacket on the Marmot rack in another area. Which I then pointed out the jacket does look pretty good for being years old.

The car keys were in the pocket (which I promptly took) and we all had a good laugh. A laugh at the diligence of the employee to put things away even if they were customer owned. And a laugh that Mr. Big Dog may have a coat problem. He may "need" coats so often that he does not even know what he owns or wears.

But I must say this Arc'teryx coat is pretty nice and he does look great in it:) It will be the best in the collection for sure!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

"Remember, He does not see us the way we see ourselves; He sees us the way we are meant to be."

This sentence gets me out of my head when I am hardest on myself. When I am going over regret and getting frustrated with myself about how I coulda, woulda, shoulda done something different.
In the end I know I AM trying and everyday it gets easier to be a better me. To not have hate in my heart, to not judge others, and to just let go and not worry about what is ahead.

Easier said than done. Well for now, I'm just off to work:)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Being raised 30 to 90 min's from awesome ski resorts at Tahoe I must say I was very spoiled growing up. Spoiled by the snow, by the weather, and my parents supporting my snow extracurriculars. And here and now I will say "THANK YOU, you gave me a hobby I continue to love. Thank you, thank you, thank you."
My parents never really skied themselves but they wanted their kids to be involved in the sport of snow. First we skied, my mom put us in lessons and god bless her dropped us off and picked us up. Then I transitioned into snowboarding in sixth or seventh grade with my Christmas gift being my first snowboard.
Now at thirty after a 5 year hiatus due to me letting life get in the way:( I am ready and excited for the snow season. Mr. Big Dog usually skis but this year he decided to try out snowboarding on the side with me. In a typical man fashion he acted like he didn't know what he was doing but really he is this force to be reckoned with natural on his new-used board. Don't you hate that? Some people are just naturally athletic and talented, others have to work so hard at it.

I am one of the later of the two. I have never been athletically talented but I try. I try hard. With snowboarding, running, biking...really none of it is easy for me. But I do love trying and I love being up in the snow. Even when the conditions aren't great, the snow is a little icy, and your pants don't have enough padding to keep your tush's really all about the company that makes it fun every single time;)

I can't believe how snowboarding is like riding a bike in some aspects but then in others its like learning all over again. Part of it is pure fear I will hurt myself. Mr. Big Dog and I decided you have more at stake when you're older. Broken bones mean missed work and long term problems like arthritis:( As opposed to when you are, say 17 and you hit every jump without thinking twice because missing school never sounds like a bad thing:)

You do have to love/hate that technology makes episodes like this available to watch on repeat:) (That is thanks to Mr. Big Dog). But at least I can laugh at myself:). I can't wait to go again!

Well I have my tree up and decorated and it's just the first week of December. I don't think I have ever been this organized in December in my life! I even has some gifts bought!!!

I think this year I am a little more excited about the holiday. Last year I vaguely remember an argument about how messy Christmas trees were and how they really had no point. And I really don't know how a tree fits in with the birth of Christ but it's a tradition my family always had growing up. And I love it thank you very much:)

My house is a cracker box, really really tiny. And this year I decided to put my tree in the corner behind the sofa. My old Iphone photography really does not do the room justice because it's not as crammed as it looks. It really came out cozy actually.
I don't have a fireplace so I have started the tradition of handing my stockings on my plantation shutters:) I love my shutters, actually every house I've owned I put them in:) They just look great open, closed and with all kinds of styles of decor. Very classic:)
Anyways I got the cutest stockings at Monticello's Holiday sale in the Worthy Goods booth! My mom mentioned it on her blog here:) These stockings are so adorable and suited just for me with the red american cross looking detail at the top. And my sister is having her make some custom ones for her family.

Now if I just still had Santa to stuff them, that would make it all perfect....

Friday, December 3, 2010

My mom and sister surprised me with Vinny (named after Vincent Van Gogh) back in the Fall of 2001. He was a puppy and became my first dog. I took him everywhere with me, he was the life of every college party, has made several drives to the coast and Reno with me, and has seen just about every single dog park in the Portland/Metro area. He has had tons of doggy training classes and is a very smart little Chihuahua mixed with a poodle.
Now for the problem.....He has been potty trained from early on but he has this little aggressive side which seems to be getting upsetting-ly worse as of lately. And he is the grand of age of almost 10 years old, or in dog years he is a 70 year old little man.
So the dirty truth people is....... he is a marker. Yes people, I said it. You don't want my dog at your house because he likes to tinkle little amounts of golden liquid around mainly pieces of furniture like sofas and tables. He has committed this crime around my beautiful house. I have caught him in the act recently and he just looks at me like "what's the problem mom?" Infuriated I did the typical "no, no, no" but can I really change his old man ways at 10 years? Can you break old habits of an old dog?
I have had to watch him at other peoples homes because he has always had this "issue" over the years when it comes to someones house where there are other dogs. He was always the bad house guest until I found a doggie diaper he now wears. He doesn't seem embarrassed or even deterrent by the diaper.
Infact lately at Mr. Big Dog's house he just pees in the diaper (which he never use to do, the diaper was a detergent). And it's not like he doesn't get outside enough, this is not a medial issue. It is just enough tinkle that you know he was marking, but now I can't even leave him without the diaper in my own home (which previously was not an issue).

Any advice out there? Am I destine to have a dog that wears a diaper forever? But look at those eyes, even if he's a cranky incontinent old dog he is also the sweetest little four legged furry thing I have ever known:)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well every single time I am in my best physical shape I tell myself I won't slide again. I won't get off the workout wagon and I won't stop running. But it always seems that life happens, things get busy and other priorities start to dictate my days. So now here I am having to start over again. I ran last night on a treadmill for the first time since last spring.
Don't get me wrong, I think the treadmill was a great invention but I hate them. I hate that I can see my speed and mileage. It makes me crazy, and I mess with the machine constantly. Up, down, up, down, really I can't get in a good rhythm.
But after working 32 hours in the past two days, I was happy to squeak out a 2 mile run on the man made trail at 24 hour (during prime meat market time too 7pm, that's when the girls workout in makeup).
And my adventure to 24 hour fitness was sadly not due to my craving to run, even though I have had them over the past couple weeks, but more that Mr. Big Dog thought we should each have a mileage goal for the week. A challenge from Mr. Big Dog? Maybe?
I said 6 miles ( I am rusty remember), he said 8 miles. So I am shooting for 8 miles, but really it's my job that makes this extra hard.....I have 36 hours divided into 3 days starting today!
Oh if all I had to do was run and work was optional, I think I would run as many miles as I had too:) But this week I have another 6 to go, wish me luck.

Monday, November 29, 2010

So when I first started at my new job they did say that occasionally there would be prisoners that would be patients. Being the University hospital and really the big community hospital there is always a variety when it comes to the patient population.
I have taken care of one prisoner before but he was just a thief who stole a car. He didn't really count. I mean he just had an officer outside of his room at the hospital waiting to take him to jail once he was healthy enough.

But yesterday I had my first real prisoner patient. I mean stereotypical, tatted up head to toe, in shackles chained to the hospital bed, and with not one but two armed guards with real guns watching his every move.
I work in such an interesting profession. I am sure it is very hard for some people to have true compassion for someone like this patient. To not have preconceived bias toward him, to treat him differently because of knowing where he comes from.
But for some reason (gift or flaw) I can't believe how easy it is for me to have compassion for someone that I know nothing about or that I know too much about (something as scary as how his home is prison). I didn't know why he was in prison initially and I really didn't care. I just wanted to make sure his pain was under control and I wanted to do my job in a caring way.
It's interesting how a physical appearance and some guards can really change the mood and tone in the room. People were scared of him for sure, the guards were very scary themselves.
But after 2 hours caring for him, I knew I did what I am best at. I advocated for him, prisoner or not and made sure he was comfortable. It has to take an real angel to work in the prison as a nurse. I just did it for 2 hours and it was difficult, let alone full time. However, if I change my mind....I did see the California prison is hiring online:) I love my current job very much at the moment...and it's looking better and better everyday.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

This may be a stupid fantasy, but I have always said I thought it would be fun to have a Christmas Tree farm and sell Christmas trees in the winter. I can just picture myself with one of my cute flower beanies and hot chocolate in hand helping someone pick the perfect tree.

I haven't given into the fake tree craze mainly because I love the way Christmas trees smell. I don't mind the mess or my dogs trying to drink the tree water as long as I can smell that tree after a long day at work. I think of it as an even trade I guess.
And I love sitting in the dark looking at the tree all lit up, it makes me so happy.

I got to indulge a little today because... this year I actually know someone with an adorable Christmas tree lot. Mr. Big dog's brother and wifey are selling trees!

Isn't their barn adorable with the wreaths all over it?!! After seeing how well they have things organized and perfectly set up, I began to realize more how my fantasy is a bit fanciful with all the hard work they have done to get the place in order. I probably wouldn't be sipping hot coco warming my hands by the fire as I waited for customers but rather I'd have to lift 200lbs trees while making sure all the lights are still working. I've always wanted a pair of carhartts anyway so I'm going to keep my fantasy with a slight wardrobe adjustment.

Going into a busy work week I plan to get my tree from them next weekend:) I didn't want to look at a naked tree all week in my family room. I'm looking forward to playing some Christmas music with a cup of cider or hot coco, on a relaxing weekend evening while I put up decorations with smell of a fresh cut noble fur in my living room.

But if you live in the Portland/Lake Oswego can get a beautiful tree from them.

Jacobsen's Christmas Tree Farm
4756 Carmen Dr.
Lake Oswego, Or 97035

Thursday, November 25, 2010

So today for the first time maybe ever....I went snowboarding on Thanksgiving. It was great! The company, the weather, just to be not at work was all great.

And I packed us a Thanksgiving picnic:) Who says you can't have Thanksgiving while skiing?

The Menu:
Turkey sandwiches
(fresh turkey cut at New Seasons deli to sandwich size slices just had to ask with a smile)
Cranberry/Horseradish sauce on the sandwich (a recipe I got online)
Sweet Potato chips- again I love New Seasons and they are supposed to be healthier
Butternut squash soup preheated and stored in a Thermos (which stayed really hot for 5 hours)

And last but not pumpkin pies that I did actually make myself. I even brought extra and gave a couple out to some young girls nearby in exchange for some picture taking:)
We were at the legendary, straight from "The Shining" movie, Timberline Lodge.
So.....who doesn't want to eat their fabulous picnic in the beautiful lodge? And even though Mr. Big Dog stressed several times that he did not think you were suppose to bring outside food in, I of course just kept walking towards and into the lodge. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'll order a hot coco and they'll let us eat in the beautiful lodge for sure right?
So I have assembled the deluxe turkey sandwiches, soup is poured, bite in mouth when this manager looking guy (probably not however...just a bitter guy who had to work Thanksgiving at Timberline Lodge) comes up and says "outside food is not allowed in the lodge. " Mr. Big Dog of course was right, but due to Thanksgiving and a plea the manager did let us stay:)

So we had a blast! And even though we can never repeat our picnic legally due to lodge rules. I can't wait to go again.
It's fun to think outside the box about your menu and really make it special:)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I am so thankful for everyone and today:)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Actually growing up in Reno Nevada this this not very frightful...but Portlanders do seem to go into panic mode with any precipitation more severe and solid than rain. The hospital has been all a buzz worrying ahead of time about the possibility snow, because that means a possibility of people not being able to get to work.
I think nurses should have that postal motto....rain or shine, sleet or hail......your nurse will get to work. We work every holiday at the hospital, 24 hours a day. You always need a nurse.
However this little nurse will be turning off her phone and not wearing scrubs for 4 whole days starting tonight!

MY much needed break will be filled with snowboarding for the first time of the year, attending a baby shower, and cuddling up in front of a fire for an undetermined length of time.
Ahhhhhh, countdown is on! 10 hours till my mini vacation.....

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I have a girlfriend who told me if I wanted to find a good man I needed to write down everything I wanted in one. That I needed to be purposeful and really think about it.
So in a playful moment with her I wrote my list down a couple months ago. It was really just a game or distraction to my everyday woes at the time. I really wanted to fast forward through the tough part of my divorce. The everyday occurrence of the panicky thought that I would be alone forever was constant even though very irrational.

So here's my list.....

Considerate and thoughtful

Smart but not arrogant or too nerdy (aka boring)

Communicative (I'm not a mind reader so I like to know what you're thinking).....definite requirement

Must love dogs, do I really need to explain this

Financially stable, preferably with a job he likes and enjoys

Supportive of whatever I want to do even if he doesn't agree with it (and this also covers not being intimidated by the strong independent woman I am :) )

Loving, kind, and a lot of fun

Just someone I can be myself with. Which I realized was a serious issue with my past relationship.

After I wrote it all out I put it on my fridge....and I would just look at it every once in awhile.

It's not an unrealistic list, I think it is actually pretty well rounded.

What's funny is that I didnt' realize how fast I might find one:) So don't ask and put it out there unless you're ready for it to land in your lap ;)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I swear I wish I was him right now. I am so tired from running between my two jobs and everyday life. Doesn't he look comfy?
That chair is actually not too terribly large....he crams himself in it:) Just make yourself comfortable Jay......

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I have a friend with a birthday today. She is turning 97 years old. She has been one of my dearest friends now for almost 10 years. She was my neighbor in college and I asked her to be my geriatric patient for a project in nursing school. It started out with a visit once a week to ask her medical history and ended up being a weekly afternoon date for tea. She is my adoptive great grandmother but really she's more of a friend.
It's funny I forget our age difference until she says something like "I remember when I used to be scared of cars, because I didn't know what one was" or "I used to take a ferry to school after walking 6 miles" or my favorite "I had the choice to take care of a lady's kids or get married to this gentleman who seemed pretty nice, so I married him."
It was just a different time. Women definitely did not have much of a choice in what they were going to do with their lives. They got married, had babies and took care of the house.

The next generation of women, my real grandmother's generation was truly the first generation to have a choice. To make a choice to also work. To have a career or take care of the house, or both.

I try to remember that women in the workplace is still a newer concept within the last 90 something years, which is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of timelines.
I think we need to be reminded of this every once in awhile when there is the dilema of what we really want and what we are doing.

As for Ella Thomas, she has is the exact person I want to be at 97. She volunteered at the Red Cross for 25 years until just a year and a half ago. She had dozens of foster children come through her house over the years, in addition to raising three of her own.
She is caring but also rigid if she doesn't agree with what you are saying or doing.
She is true to her word and a really great friend. She has always lent her ear when I needed it.

So Happy Birthday Ella! She says she's shooting for 100:)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I feel like my heart is 3/4 of the way there. There being my whole self intact. It's just this pesky 1/4 pops up at the most inopportune times. I am sure it is normal, I just don't like it.

And I really don't like that I have no control over it. I just get this wave of frustration, like someone turned the light off for a split second and because of it I fell down a flight of stairs. Then the lights come back on and I am trying quickly to dust myself off and stand back up quickly before anyone notices.

Its funny how people close to you can really SEE you even when you don't want them too. I mean I THINK I am so concealing and secretive....trying to not show the wind being knocked out from that stumble down the stairs but its really out there for everyone to see.

Oh well, at least it's happening less and less:)
And at least the people close to me are understanding about it;)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Mr. Big dog was nice enough to let my three furry children and my mom's Big Yellow Dog (BYD) all come over for a visit today. While he finished some yard chores I decided to take on the challenge of walking them all. AT THE SAME TIME!
That is 5 dogs, one being Mr. Big dog's Saint Bernard. Look how small my mom's yellow lab looks next to him:) Honestly the hardest one to control was BYD, sorry mom he has issues on a leash.
Anyway, they are all good and tired now and I was asked if I were a dog walker 3 times. 5 dogs are way too many to have in a house at one time, but when they are good and is so much nicer.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Well I have been taking the bus like I said I would. I did end up driving two days out of 7, and those just happen to be the days I was 10 mins late. I guess depending on the bus really makes you more organized and on time.
I don't think to the naked eye you can tell I am a newbie to the big blue and white bus, but then again I am a newbie.

I do know that I gave a couple fellow mass transit riders some comic relief the other day.

Picture this: It is pouring. Raining so hard I thought it might just be Armageddon or a tsunami hitting Portland, Oregon. I was coming out of my last training class with my IPhone in hand. There is this dandy little app you can use to see the bus schedule and it even counts down to the bus arrival/departure time. So I was on a mission because the countdown was at 2 mins, and it even turns red. Oh how I didn't want to wait for the next bus, because this one I like comes only every 30 mins.

So back to the visual. Me distracted with the iPhone app, briskly walking in the pouring rain towards the bus stop up at the hospital. Then I see it, the bus I am needing. Oh no! I don't want to miss it! This is all going on in my my head mind you.
Staying out in the downpour for 30 more mins was not what I wanted, so now I start running. As I am running in the pouring rain, I was oblivious to the 30 something people in the line on the sidewalk near this special bus. As I got closer I realized the bus was not leaving and the all the people were not just standing there for fun. They had just gotten off the bus because it was BROKEN DOWN.
So these 30 people just watched me run to a broken down bus. I think everyone got a good laugh, even myself as I joined the line;) I think everyone could tell I was a newbie then for sure!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

These pictures are a couple years old but they crack me up:) Vinny was Elvis if you can't tell....doesn't he look thrilled about it?

Friday, October 29, 2010

It's been 4 years since my family changed forever. And I looked hard at that tonight. Really hard. Look how far we have all come. Look how great it is that I can go out and meet my mom for dinner on a Friday night here in Portland, when I never thought she would move here. Instead of a phone call to Reno, Nevada I get to see her face to face.
Look how we all dusted ourselves off and continued. Maybe with a couple bandaids in place, but we're still walking and talking.
We are tough women in my family. Really. When life gives us lemons we're not all talk, we really make lemonade. My mom adds a little umbrella to it, my sister markets it for a business plan, and so far I just drink it but you get my drift.....
My sister amazes me everyday. She has her little family, my sweet nephew who she is fabulous with and then to add a cherry to the top they are about to do a beautiful thing and adopt a child from Ethiopia. My mom now lives here and can actually driver herself without getting lost from Vancouver to North Portland, which alone amazes me. And she works two jobs and still has time for cookie baking. She started over and you would think she's lived here for 20 years. All with a smile on her face.
As for me I have about 5 pokers in the fire at the moment just pushing to see where my path will take me.
I guess my point is that everything is just so different than what I would have ever expected, but perfect at the same time.

I hate to say it, but I always knew I would be at the place I am at now. I knew in my heart, I knew with all my mind that I would not stay married to him forever. Sad but true, but I guess I just wanted to ride that ride while it lasted. Ride that ride until it stopped. Weird how I knew it but I did it anyway. I think part of it was just to try to force my own family, when everything else was falling apart.

But today is a little bit of a celebration. I finished a huge project:). And most importantly..... I realized I am really okay.

And the people I love are okay. They are really okay. They are unbreakable strong people and I love them for that.

Everyone is okay, which makes me more okay in a sick twisted empathetic kind of way;) And everyday I am a little bit stronger...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I have been so gitty today...all day. I am talking craziness!!! I am laughing at myself, laughing with my hairdresser till I thought I might pee my pants and then talking to complete strangers and laughing hysterically. Part is definitely exhaustion. I have been working two jobs this week since I am training for the new part time gig and there is a fair amount of start up training( * just a part time hospital JOB to meet some new people and broaden my horizons). So it's exhausting, plus I rode the bus two full days which when you are new too is a little stressful!

Anyways, I am also the happiest I have been in a very very very very very very..did I say very long time. It's funny how you don't realize how unhappy you were until you are happy again. It feels so good and I don't care how funny I look laughing at nothing.....because it feels good:)
Or maybe I have crossed into crazy I think happiness:)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Well I am starting a new JOB this upcoming week:) It's just a little something for fun, I won't be quitting my real big girl job. However, there is a little bit of a challenge to this new place......parking. There is really no free parking, and the cost of the parking offered is astronomical. So I am taking the challenge of mass transit.
Yes people I am going green and turning into a real live Portlander. I am going to challenge myself to not drive to this new job. Maybe this will even rub off into my other job. I am embarrassed to say I haven't touch my beautiful bike much this year so I am going to dust it off and use it as part of my commute too.
Wish me luck.....

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I have this knack for having my friends and family's dogs stay over. Today Sgt. Pepper, aka Pepper, is hanging out for the day so her mom and I can run this afternoon (traffic can be bad here so this way she doesn't have to go pick up Pep and head back here). The only problem is Pepper is scared of my laminate flooring, which I have throughout my house. So today she is constantly whimpering and walking backwards throughout my house. It's like that game kids play where you pretend the floor is hot lava, so she runs from carpet to kitchen rug to dog bed and back. She just hates my beautiful floors:( But she's going to love her run this afternoon with Ruby....she doesn't know it yet but it is all going to be worth it:) My three furry children just keep looking at her, like "what's the deal lady?"

Mr. Moose will be checking in Tues through Thursday, maybe I should start a doggie hotel business:)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you have absolutely no idea which way to go? Right, left, up, down, any direction....completely lost? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know my name let alone what I want. So lost and I am just trying to stay on the road or the path let alone know where I am even heading.
Tonight I just want to let go. I want to let it all go and just let fate lead me. Why is that so hard? Why can't I just trust? That is what it is really about, trust. Not like I trust myself anymore than God. But geeze, if I could just let go I think I am bound to head in some direction.
I just want a sign. Any sort of sign would do. This standstill mundane no direction, no clue is killing me. I need to get going. I need to figure it out. Time is ticking....ticking....
Maybe I should pack up and move to Vegas, or maybe New York, no no ....California? Just run like hell from my current life. A fresh start sounds like a no-brainer some days. Or should I get focused and get into school? Graduate in 2.5 years and start another career? Be more responsible...and productive with my time now. Or maybe I can learn guitar and start a band this week.....something completely different and insane, even bring back the side pony as a fashion statement.
But seriously, the lesson I think I am supposed to be learning here is trust and patience. Both of which I lack significantly. Just not my comfort zone to trust or be patient. I don't have a good record in the trust department. I trusted and was let down over and over again. I have NO control and need to just ask for directions. Ask for God to know take the wheel. So tonight, after crying in a dairy queen napkin on my way home I stopped and asked him for directions. Hopefully he'll get back to me soon....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

It has been years since I carved a pumpkin. Mr. Big Dog and I hit up Winco for some cheap 17 cents a pound pumpkins the other night. We have had some fun dates for sure, I like how we do ordinary things like carve pumpkins:) Anyways, I have been waiting till mid month to carve October 16th is mid month. I hate carving them the night before Halloween and then you only get to light them once. So early or not we lit them up last night. They all look so different. We did funny pumpkin, shocked pumpkin, drunk pumpkin, scary and happy. And did you know growing up I always thought Halloween was a national (miss school) holiday? Yep, this is actually because Halloween doubles as Nevada Day. Yes Nevada day. We celebrate the statehood of Nevada with a day off and no mail delivery.
Anyways, I am still planning my costume for handing out candy to all the little kids in my neighborhood. The dogs maybe dressed up too....

Friday, October 15, 2010

Yep, that's me. I finally did it. I pushed myself too far and now I am paying the price with mandatory down time. I am talking snotty nose, hoarse voice, smokers cough, and a head ache that actually might in the Guinness book of world records as the longest and most stubborn annoyance on earth. As I was feeling so gross and bad I started to think of the saying "sick as a dog." What does that really mean? Who said it first?
Mr. Big Dog is always bringing up these idioms. Which are phrases that do not mean exactly what they say, they have hidden meanings. And now thanks to the Internet (what did we ever do without it?) you can just look up the meaning behind these idioms. Sick as a dog is in reference to how dogs can eat so much that they get sick, and it's been around since the 1500's...can you believe that?!
It's kind of funny how we just say some of these one liners and don't think much about it. You can really google anything and find the meaning or the origin now:)

Monday, October 11, 2010

I think I am a different kind of girl. I do things my own way, usually the more difficult way but still my way. I think I am atypical with a lot of my hobbies (i.e junking, reading nursing magazines, dog parks). I like the saying "walking mermaid" because it is something that wouldn't happen and really would be rare if it did happen. An imaginary oxymoron if you will. Which is how I feel a lot lately. Like this oddity unusual thing, even though I bet I am more normal than I think.
Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, I do things the hard way. Always have and probably always will but I do them MY way. Which is very important. Every turn and step I have taken, I took. No one forced me, but I can look back to a lot of forcing I did on myself. That little rumble in my stomach saying No, but I pushed on Yes. Or the loud No's of people close to me that love me, and me still saying Yes.
Maybe it is maturity, maybe my inner voice has gotten too loud to ignore, but all of the sudden it's funny how clear I can hear my thoughts. Now if I could just figure out the direction I am suppose to be heading.....

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Today is the Portland Marathon, oh how I respect all the runners today! Not only is it 26.2 miles, IT IS POURING RAIN. I'm talking monsoon weather, fall is here!
It's funny how different people have different opinions about rain. My mom says her thoughts here. And in the northwest we have a lot of it, especially in the Fall/Winter months.
My love for rain has changed with my geography.
Nevada rain is usually thunderstorm weather. In the summer, when it's been 100 degrees all day and the concrete is too hot to walk on with your bare feet you can expect it. You've been out all day at the lake or around town in an air conditioned car hanging with friends. Then it hits. You can see it rolling in over the biggest little city. The dark puffy clouds form and like a needle to a balloon it just explodes. The sounds bounces off the mountains and the concrete cools with this undeniable smell. It's definitely the wet concrete smell I love, but it has to be hot concrete or it doesn't smell.
When I was little I remember my grandfather telling me during a huge thunder storm, "God is up there bowling. We get to hear him!" I think I was at the age where I was scared of the loud thunder and I remember all the fear just washing away picturing god bowling like my grandpa and I did at the old Reno Starlight bowl:) And it really does sound like bowling:)
Anyways, back to the northwest. The terrain and climate has changed my rain. And honestly my first year here (back in 98) it was very hard to get use to. It rained a lot my first fall/winter, actually 26 days consecutively. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it really is a lot of overcast wetness when you are in it. And it's funny because I remember locals telling me, "this is not how it is here, this is a lot for even us." And up here in Portland it's kind of like Alaska with their snow. You know how they are suppose to have 57 words for snow up there? Well I think we have about 57 different types of rain here. Sprinkling, pouring, misting, drenching, drizzling, storming, etc just to name a few. And with our rain locals do not carry an umbrella, another fact I learned my first year here:)
Anyways, there is comfort in the rain coming. You know all is right with the world. I mean it is so consistent here. EVERY fall when it starts, and EVERY spring when it ends. God has this schedule for us, some consistency which is comforting for some reason right now. Something repeating and not being foreign. Rain is a given every single year.
Sometimes I do think god has his days and nights mixed up with the rain. Like it would be prettier if it rained at night and we had some clear skies during the day. It seems the rain stops right as the stars come out and then it begins again the second the sun rises. Or maybe this is because he wants us to see the stars:)
Either way, I love the rain and how it nourishes the grass and flowers, it washes away the dirt, and leaves everything touched and clean. It smells differently here. My hot concrete smell is non-existent. It is more cool and clean smelling, and the soothing.
This morning I realized.....and I don't know if I do this every single time it rains (but maybe I do), I was singing in my head this morning. Oh my, what if I am always singing this when it rains......another quirk for me I guess:)
I was singing a childhood song.....

It's raining, it's pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

And all was right with my life and I was ready to get out there in the beautiful rain and cheer for some runners. So everyone send happy warm thoughts to all the runners out there in their monumental challenge today of 26.2 miles in the pouring cold rain. And Happy Sunday!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sometimes, okay maybe very often, I push myself to the point of too much. I work too much, then play too much, then just do too much. And then it hits me. I am so exhausted I feel horrible and just need to sleep. Yesterday was one of those days. I hit the wall around 3pm but still had to work until 7:30 which was not pretty. Mentally, physically, or emotionally:(
I was in bed by 8:30 and I really don't think I even moved all night. And it was one of those nights where I slept so hard I didn't even dream.
My point is that no matter how hard you push yourself you have limits and if you don't listen to them, someone else makes you listen to them. Begin part of the medical field I can tell you sleep is underrated. Scientists and doctors have studied sleep and don't really know why you need it. They can't find an exact reason as to why we need to sleep. So since they don't know why, they don't value it. I have patients all the time that are so sleep deprived they get a little or even a lot coo-coo. Or they just don't feel good or do as well.
So maybe sleep is your time to subconsciously connect with something higher. To process your life so it doesn't get off track. Of just time to take a break from yourself and your purposeful thoughts.
I know I am much better today mentally from my golden 9 hours sleep.
I feel good:) Maybe James Brown got a really good nights sleep before writing that song:)

Monday, October 4, 2010

I feel like a piece of china sitting out on display. I look okay from a far but when you really get up close you can see a bunch of little spider web cracks, even a chip or two missing. And even closer you would see that the lid doesn't even fit right. Its just kind of balancing on top...maybe it's not even the original lid, like I'm a sugar bowl with a tea pot lid. Now I am sounding crazy, but I just love analogies I guess.
Maybe its just my own paranoia but I kind of feel like people close to me are at bay just kind of watching me. I look like the same sugar bowl, but they are watching to see "how I am, how I am progressing..good or bad", and if that lid is going to ever really fit right.
And for the most part I keep it together. I feel like I am living two lives some days. One happy and put together and one very beat up and kind of disheveled.

Really I think my china was damaged in the UPS box before it even got loaded onto the truck.
But damaged or not here I am, here I stand. I am still standing. And some days when the sun hits me just right you can see all my faults and flaws, but tonight I am the only one looking at my china and every part of it is as is should be. Right now, right here....every crack happened for a reason. And what is left now, is all that really matters.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I love laid back days, even though I don't let myself have them often if ever anymore. I gotta keep moving for some reason....thinking if I stop I might never get started again.

Here's the recipe for one of my perfect days....
Fall morning breakfast at home
Hot shower, lazy dogs, pumpkin spice candle burning
Cool car show with a handsome man
Wandered 23rd Ave for a second
Watched a movie
Heirloom tomatoes with mozzarella (my new addiction) next to a fire on a crisp autumn night with four legged furry children scattered around my feet....

I definitely need to let go more and think less (common theme and statement lately)....because when I do it feels sooooo nice:)

Friday, October 1, 2010

There is this fountain down by the Library close to my house. I love driving or walking the dogs by in the summer and hearing the kids scream and laugh as they run through the water. It's like a giant sprinkler:) I personally had never walked through it or really gone too terribly close to it until my girlfriend called yesterday. She wanted to take her little guy down in the 85 degree heat to run through it.
All of these kids were having the best time. They were stepping on the holes where the water comes out or half stepping on them to spray each other. They were forming lines and running down the middle, and using empty Gatorade bottles to fill up and soak each other.
The temperature was perfect, the time of day perfect, the company perfect. It wasn't too bright and hot, the sun was just starting to start its evening descent. And little man was rejuvenated from an afternoon nap.
It is always funny to me how kids can just meet and play with one another within seconds. I love that about them. How they don't think or analyze, they just do. When does that stop? When do we start thinking before we do?
I guess it's part of growing up, realizing there are consequences for every action in your life you start to really think before you do anything. Maybe I just want to not think and just do for awhile....maybe I'm regressing to a three year old? Or maybe I just wanted to run through the fountain once and act like a three year old:)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Kind of weird how far I have come in only 106 days, or 15 weeks, or 3 months ago or so ago. Not that I am counting at all, really I just did the math today and thought how you can measure it in numbers. I also can measure it in feeling. I have a new attitude, some new friends, really kind of a new life.
When you put a number on it, it doesn't look that far removed but it feels like a lifetime ago. It's just strange how this light bulb can come on and really make you a different person.
I have been enjoying my life so much more over these past 3 months than I really did over the past 3 years. There have been bad days but I think I am getting close to the top of this hill where the bad days will really just be a hazy memory. They still happen but nothing like they use to to.
Days where I have this wave of reality wash over me in a second. Like that sick hot feeling you get when you have the flu, or the feeling you get when you trip and for a split second think you are really going to hurt yourself (what can I say I am really clumsy). There is this physical response your body does as a reaction, only with these moments my body is reacting to my mind.

It is really interesting the moments I have that involve my big D lately. One is that every single patient I have taken care of for the last 3 months (and I am not exaggerating) asks me, "Sweetie are you married?" "Honey, what does your old man do?" "Why aren't you married?" or my favorite just because it digs the knife in a little deeper, "Do you have kids?"
All are innocent, actually caring questions from sincere sweet people. Not meant to be malicious or hurtful, which makes me wonder if it is part of the recovery. Maybe this is a daily therapy for me from God. He has decided to push me with these little blink of a second conversations. He makes me think about it, respond to it, and then usually hear something back from one of these random people I just met for the first time.
So how do I respond?
Sometimes with a joke: "I'm too smart and young to be married" and for the little old men "are you offering? Or do you have a grandson?"
Sometimes with a insightful optimistic comment: "I guess I just haven't found Mr. Right yet"
Sometimes with pure ugly honesty: "I was and now I'm not. Still working through it"- this one usually leaves a silence in the room. Or "he didn't want to be married anymore" -that one really hurts and is usually my response when I am having a pity party moment....rare but occasional.
And sometimes I just let it role off like water and ignore it all together "Nope, not married"-which for some reason, even to a complete stranger I do not like lying (probably a quality I got from my mom)
I can say the more I have to say it, the easier it seems to get. And it has nothing to do with what people think about my answer or what they will think of me. It just has something to do with me thinking about it and not avoiding it. But like a shadow it seems to follow me. I feel like my shadow was biggest in June and now with October approaching here in the Northwest there is only a sliver of shadow left. Some sunny days it might be bigger but overall shadow days are getting shorter and shorter, smaller and smaller.
Until soon it will be completely gone...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I think some of the people in my life really do not understand what I do for a living. It's not their fault, it's just the way society has depicted nursing. And honestly, I had the some of the same thoughts about nursing in college when I started to think about changing my major sophomore year from Biology. "Who wants to clean people up all day? I don't want to hold babies and hands!" I remember actually thinking this. I had this "bandaid on your kitten" roommate, and I mean that in the most loving sense. She knew when she was a little girl she wanted to be a nurse. She was a nurse every halloween growing up and always was taking care of her little friends.
Looking back I shared the caring for others qualities, but it was mainly my little sister and brother:)
So if you were to tell me I would be a nurse I would have laughed and said absolutely not. I thought it was all happy 24-7 and co-dependent type people were into it who just wanted a life size doll (patient) to dote on. Sorry, just being honest...this is what I thought. Who knows where I got this idea, but it was there and it was solid concrete. Until.....
I had an amazing advisor who saw something in me that I didn't see. She encouraged me to just "try it out, I'll set up a shadow night for you and I know the perfect place." Very doubtful I agreed.

I shadowed a nurse on the night shift at Emmanuel Hospital in the Emergency room ( a level 1 trauma center). The night was electric and full of adrenaline. We had teenager come in with a broken arm from a car accident, a toddler with a high fever, and a little old lady that decided she was "over" taking her medications because she didn't think she needed them anymore. We had all these pots on the stove just trying to make sure they didn't boil over. I loved the chaos and the constant busyness.
Then the icing on the cake arrived (I know I am one sick puppy). A guy in his 40's came in having a heart attack. He was scared and knew just enough to be apprehensive of the 20 people shuffling around him trying to save his heart muscle. I was a student, no skills yet, not even a license to cover my crappy student skills. But I played a part in probably one of the most horrible scary moments in his entire life. I held his hand.
The one thing I had said I would not be doing....I just held his hand. And then and there I think I realized how much you can do with nursing. You can really be there for people. Not in a fake way, you can't fake it or you fail. You just have to have it in you to be there, at that moment and not think about it.

So back to some of my friends and family. They have ideas of back rubs, and handing out pills. But really I think I am so blessed to get to be part of someone else's life. Yes I give them pills, but I have to know exactly how that pill I hand them will affect them.
I meet them at 7am and by 8 I really know everything about them. They let you in without you even having to do any asking, it's a given .....they come to you for help.
And so I think I am biased, but I have one of the best jobs in the department of rewarding. Sometimes it's easy for me to take that for granted when I hear my friends or family talk about their jobs. I forget not everyone landed a job that gives you this kind of feeling....I am sooo lucky:)

Monday, September 27, 2010

A couple of my friends and I keep discussing: Are you a glass half full or half empty kind of person? And how every situation can be interpreted one of two ways....positively or negatively. Your response to these situations are kind of built on a pro/con system....I mean usually you are thinking "If I open door 1, this will happen" or "But if I open door 2 this could happen." Back and forth like a ping pong match, at least if you are in my mind.....

I like to think that I have the more positive point of view a majority of the time, not all the time but a majority of it. That I like to give things the benefit of the doubt and let them unfold into whatever they will be...not forcing anything.

But lately I have the worst case scenario bug and the glass half empty chiming in my head. It's really like this battle of one talking to the other ( I guess at least they are not avoiding one another passive aggressively, its actually a fully debate like conversation in there sometimes).

My point about this is that it has become really exhausting.....I am tired from it and of it. So I am going to just let it all be and tell them to take a truce for a little while.
I am going to go with my gut and heart, and stop my mind from forming pro/con lists right now!

I don't see anything negative to actively deciding to not over think for awhile....wait.. I think I am pro listing this decision right now? This may be harder than I think....wish me luck.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I know I may start sounding like a Sara stalker but I love the girl:) One of my besties and I went to see her tonight and she was fabulous.
We got downtown early and found what we thought was "lucky" parking. It was 5.00 and just a block away from the venue. We pulled in and jumped out. Then gas station attendant/parking lot guy insisted we move the car not once, not twice, but three times. I was thinking, "oh well it's 5.00 who cares." Then he wanted our keys. Hmmm, it is a legit gas station...but why does he need our keys? I didn't have anything of value in the car so I handed him the keys. I mean I have witnesses, this is downtown Portland, what is the worst thing that could happen with giving my keys to this guy (who by the way had a very realistic glass eye)?

Keys to guy, off to show.

The show was great and we were there at a good time where we got awesome seats and were able to get a drink and something to eat:)
Sara played a lot of her new album and some good old stuff too.
I just think its amazing when someone makes it as far as she had with her singing career from a little small start in Eureka, California. She shows you how bad she wanted it with every part of her performance.
One of my favorite songs she sang tonight was many the's just really get you out of your seat happy.....which is why I like here so much. Greg Laswell also opened for her, you can tell he's going to be a big name really quick:)

So after the show we headed to our car, remember the 5.00 "lucky" parking? We walk into the gas station store section and asked for our keys back.
The same man who made me re-park three times did not remember me from Adam. And I like to think I am a somewhat memorable person:) "Keys? Keys?" You would have thought we were asking for the cure to cancer. He acted like he didn't even know what keys were. So now I am starting to freak a little bit ( I mean worst case, because that's how I think, I would call someone somewhere to help me get my extra set from my house right?) was this guy having a stroke? So now I am laughing, my girlfriend is laughing and this guy decides...and actually says this out loud, "All I got is a Honda key....maybe it will work.......I really hope this key is your car...but if not.....I uh don't know what to tell you..." No joke, he said this as he handed me my Nissan Xterra key...MY KEY:)

We literally ran to the car and had an awesome laugh attack about how we would never be using LUCKY parking again....what do you expect for 5.00? But we really did have a priceless night:)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Mr. Big Dog's little dog Jay is staying with me for a couple of days while he is out of town. When I say little I am being sarcastic. He is the complete opposite of little, he is huge. Actually he is 135lbs of hugeness. Which outweighs me. When asked, being the dog lover I am, I promptly answered "no problem." I mean he seems to be a large teddy bear and what is one more dog to my pack for the weekend? Then I started to get intimidated. I mean...what if he's "too much" dog for me? What if I can't control him? What if I lose him or something happens this weekend to make me seem like an unfit dog sitter?

So after work I went to pick up Jay after a long 12 hours, I took my girlfriend with the thought that "if I can't handle him and get him in the car, she definitely will...or there will at least be two of us to trouble shoot whatever I have gotten myself into." So we pulled up and unlocked the garage door expecting a huge ball of energy to pounce on us. But instead, big teddy bear Jay just lifted his head like "can you turn that light back off I was trying to sleep here."

He seemed more bothered than shocked that two women were now in his garage trying to get him to go outside and get into their car. But none the less the got his mini pony sized body up and started for the door. He leaped in the back of my car like he had done this all before and promptly laid himself down. He could not have cared less. He would have left with anyone....which my girlfriend kept saying over and over.

We got home and after my littlest dog Vince tried to show him who the real boss was he took his spot on his bed and just went back to sleep. It was like the whole trip over to my side of town was just an intermission in his nap time.

So I guess I was worried for nothing:) And he seems to fit in well with the pack, but I don't think Vince is anything close to thrilled....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Here in the northwest you can always find something to do. So when people say they are bored up here they are just really not trying. You can do anything from a hike to a pirate festival. I'm not staying I attend just anything I hear about but there are some really awesome events that I am starting to take more advantage of.
A friend of mind a couple years ago told me about the Swifts of Chapman Elementary. I tried to go see them shortly after hearing about them and unluckily went the day after they migrated:( So now a couple years later, I gave it another shot.

One thing I love about the Portland is the over abundance of little grocery markets and shops you can just pop in and buy unique foods for a picnic. I bought some pesto pasta salad, cheese, pears, salami, and homemade cookies for our picnic. Grabbed a blanket and off we (me and Mr. Big Dog) went. The weather was perfect, clear and crisp. The people watching was very epic with Portland-ers from business folk to the true Oregon hippie scattered around on blankets waiting for the show. Mr. Big Dog and I made up the perfect scenario for this man and woman next to us, in true people watching fashion. Our story for them was that it was originally a work relationship turned romantic:)

We had a really nice time, and it was the perfect evening. I think the company you have for things like this can really make the whole experience so much more fun and enjoyable.

Anyways, back to the it was amazing to see something like 35,000 little swift birds flying above in circles with one another like they were on an amusement park ride together. They flew around for what seemed like forever until the sun really set, then they started to form this huge line to get into their chimney home for the night. As the line entered the chimney the birds would almost just fall in and when the line was getting too wide some would fly back around in this huge sky circle for a second chance the next loop around.
My description really doesn't do the experience justice. And you can only see this show in September in Portland before they migrate south for the winter so if you want to go it will have to be in the next week. But it was beautiful....

As well as maybe just a little bit, ummmm..... creepy. Maybe only to Mr. Big Dog and I but we started to think about Alfred Hitchcock's: The Birds film. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, we began to think:( We watched in awe of how many birds there really were, and really how they could turn and attack us at any minute. While everyone else was thinking how benign the birds were, we were thinking little weapons of destruction...... We had a good laugh about this and decided they were just sweet little sparrows putting on a show just for us:) at least for now they are.....

Friday, September 17, 2010

I am totally my mother's daughter. I always try to cram too much into one day and end up pulling late nighters just to finish the bare minimum of what I was trying to get accomplished.
With a deadline lurking in the very near distance causing me to push on through and always seem to get it done:) A couple nights ago was one of those nights. I had about 12 people coming over for a chili feed/cupcake feast in exchange for helping me with some long overdue projects.
These projects I have, have been overwhelming me lately. And when you are overwhelmed (at least for me) you stress and vent to work buddies and friends. SOOOOOO I think they just got sick of hearing my complain and a couple of them offered labor in exchange for my homemade chili and some cupcakes (doesn't that sound like a gastric nightmare).

Anyways, they seem to love my chili.
I got the recipe off the food network a couple years ago. And it' even kind of should try it out. I use turkey instead of chicken. I just love chili in the fall:)
I think it's a maturity thing or maybe I just have good luck. But I have the best friends. They are truly caring, awesome, giving people that are always willing to help each other out.
I decided a couple years back to only have friendships with good people. I know, I know, we all say this but I really don't like superficial relationships of any kind. I don't like spending time with people out of obligation. And I have definitely figured out that if someone does not share the same moral values as me, we probably are not going to cliche:)
Life is too short. And they say you are the company you keep right? Well I would keep company with everyone I had over today again in a heartbeat.

And life is all about ups and downs, and give and take:) I have been there for a couple of these people when they need it too. Maybe not putting in a fence or pulling their weeds, but in cupcakes, lasagna, and sometimes just listening.....

My friends are soooo awesome! It looks great:) Thanks everybody!

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