Sunday, October 31, 2010

These pictures are a couple years old but they crack me up:) Vinny was Elvis if you can't tell....doesn't he look thrilled about it?

Friday, October 29, 2010

It's been 4 years since my family changed forever. And I looked hard at that tonight. Really hard. Look how far we have all come. Look how great it is that I can go out and meet my mom for dinner on a Friday night here in Portland, when I never thought she would move here. Instead of a phone call to Reno, Nevada I get to see her face to face.
Look how we all dusted ourselves off and continued. Maybe with a couple bandaids in place, but we're still walking and talking.
We are tough women in my family. Really. When life gives us lemons we're not all talk, we really make lemonade. My mom adds a little umbrella to it, my sister markets it for a business plan, and so far I just drink it but you get my drift.....
My sister amazes me everyday. She has her little family, my sweet nephew who she is fabulous with and then to add a cherry to the top they are about to do a beautiful thing and adopt a child from Ethiopia. My mom now lives here and can actually driver herself without getting lost from Vancouver to North Portland, which alone amazes me. And she works two jobs and still has time for cookie baking. She started over and you would think she's lived here for 20 years. All with a smile on her face.
As for me I have about 5 pokers in the fire at the moment just pushing to see where my path will take me.
I guess my point is that everything is just so different than what I would have ever expected, but perfect at the same time.

I hate to say it, but I always knew I would be at the place I am at now. I knew in my heart, I knew with all my mind that I would not stay married to him forever. Sad but true, but I guess I just wanted to ride that ride while it lasted. Ride that ride until it stopped. Weird how I knew it but I did it anyway. I think part of it was just to try to force my own family, when everything else was falling apart.

But today is a little bit of a celebration. I finished a huge project:). And most importantly..... I realized I am really okay.

And the people I love are okay. They are really okay. They are unbreakable strong people and I love them for that.

Everyone is okay, which makes me more okay in a sick twisted empathetic kind of way;) And everyday I am a little bit stronger...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I have been so gitty today...all day. I am talking craziness!!! I am laughing at myself, laughing with my hairdresser till I thought I might pee my pants and then talking to complete strangers and laughing hysterically. Part is definitely exhaustion. I have been working two jobs this week since I am training for the new part time gig and there is a fair amount of start up training( * just a part time hospital JOB to meet some new people and broaden my horizons). So it's exhausting, plus I rode the bus two full days which when you are new too is a little stressful!

Anyways, I am also the happiest I have been in a very very very very very very..did I say very long time. It's funny how you don't realize how unhappy you were until you are happy again. It feels so good and I don't care how funny I look laughing at nothing.....because it feels good:)
Or maybe I have crossed into crazy I think happiness:)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Well I am starting a new JOB this upcoming week:) It's just a little something for fun, I won't be quitting my real big girl job. However, there is a little bit of a challenge to this new place......parking. There is really no free parking, and the cost of the parking offered is astronomical. So I am taking the challenge of mass transit.
Yes people I am going green and turning into a real live Portlander. I am going to challenge myself to not drive to this new job. Maybe this will even rub off into my other job. I am embarrassed to say I haven't touch my beautiful bike much this year so I am going to dust it off and use it as part of my commute too.
Wish me luck.....

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I have this knack for having my friends and family's dogs stay over. Today Sgt. Pepper, aka Pepper, is hanging out for the day so her mom and I can run this afternoon (traffic can be bad here so this way she doesn't have to go pick up Pep and head back here). The only problem is Pepper is scared of my laminate flooring, which I have throughout my house. So today she is constantly whimpering and walking backwards throughout my house. It's like that game kids play where you pretend the floor is hot lava, so she runs from carpet to kitchen rug to dog bed and back. She just hates my beautiful floors:( But she's going to love her run this afternoon with Ruby....she doesn't know it yet but it is all going to be worth it:) My three furry children just keep looking at her, like "what's the deal lady?"

Mr. Moose will be checking in Tues through Thursday, maybe I should start a doggie hotel business:)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you have absolutely no idea which way to go? Right, left, up, down, any direction....completely lost? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know my name let alone what I want. So lost and I am just trying to stay on the road or the path let alone know where I am even heading.
Tonight I just want to let go. I want to let it all go and just let fate lead me. Why is that so hard? Why can't I just trust? That is what it is really about, trust. Not like I trust myself anymore than God. But geeze, if I could just let go I think I am bound to head in some direction.
I just want a sign. Any sort of sign would do. This standstill mundane no direction, no clue is killing me. I need to get going. I need to figure it out. Time is ticking....ticking....
Maybe I should pack up and move to Vegas, or maybe New York, no no ....California? Just run like hell from my current life. A fresh start sounds like a no-brainer some days. Or should I get focused and get into school? Graduate in 2.5 years and start another career? Be more responsible...and productive with my time now. Or maybe I can learn guitar and start a band this week.....something completely different and insane, even bring back the side pony as a fashion statement.
But seriously, the lesson I think I am supposed to be learning here is trust and patience. Both of which I lack significantly. Just not my comfort zone to trust or be patient. I don't have a good record in the trust department. I trusted and was let down over and over again. I have NO control and need to just ask for directions. Ask for God to know take the wheel. So tonight, after crying in a dairy queen napkin on my way home I stopped and asked him for directions. Hopefully he'll get back to me soon....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

It has been years since I carved a pumpkin. Mr. Big Dog and I hit up Winco for some cheap 17 cents a pound pumpkins the other night. We have had some fun dates for sure, I like how we do ordinary things like carve pumpkins:) Anyways, I have been waiting till mid month to carve October 16th is mid month. I hate carving them the night before Halloween and then you only get to light them once. So early or not we lit them up last night. They all look so different. We did funny pumpkin, shocked pumpkin, drunk pumpkin, scary and happy. And did you know growing up I always thought Halloween was a national (miss school) holiday? Yep, this is actually because Halloween doubles as Nevada Day. Yes Nevada day. We celebrate the statehood of Nevada with a day off and no mail delivery.
Anyways, I am still planning my costume for handing out candy to all the little kids in my neighborhood. The dogs maybe dressed up too....

Friday, October 15, 2010

Yep, that's me. I finally did it. I pushed myself too far and now I am paying the price with mandatory down time. I am talking snotty nose, hoarse voice, smokers cough, and a head ache that actually might in the Guinness book of world records as the longest and most stubborn annoyance on earth. As I was feeling so gross and bad I started to think of the saying "sick as a dog." What does that really mean? Who said it first?
Mr. Big Dog is always bringing up these idioms. Which are phrases that do not mean exactly what they say, they have hidden meanings. And now thanks to the Internet (what did we ever do without it?) you can just look up the meaning behind these idioms. Sick as a dog is in reference to how dogs can eat so much that they get sick, and it's been around since the 1500's...can you believe that?!
It's kind of funny how we just say some of these one liners and don't think much about it. You can really google anything and find the meaning or the origin now:)

Monday, October 11, 2010

I think I am a different kind of girl. I do things my own way, usually the more difficult way but still my way. I think I am atypical with a lot of my hobbies (i.e junking, reading nursing magazines, dog parks). I like the saying "walking mermaid" because it is something that wouldn't happen and really would be rare if it did happen. An imaginary oxymoron if you will. Which is how I feel a lot lately. Like this oddity unusual thing, even though I bet I am more normal than I think.
Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, I do things the hard way. Always have and probably always will but I do them MY way. Which is very important. Every turn and step I have taken, I took. No one forced me, but I can look back to a lot of forcing I did on myself. That little rumble in my stomach saying No, but I pushed on Yes. Or the loud No's of people close to me that love me, and me still saying Yes.
Maybe it is maturity, maybe my inner voice has gotten too loud to ignore, but all of the sudden it's funny how clear I can hear my thoughts. Now if I could just figure out the direction I am suppose to be heading.....

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Today is the Portland Marathon, oh how I respect all the runners today! Not only is it 26.2 miles, IT IS POURING RAIN. I'm talking monsoon weather, fall is here!
It's funny how different people have different opinions about rain. My mom says her thoughts here. And in the northwest we have a lot of it, especially in the Fall/Winter months.
My love for rain has changed with my geography.
Nevada rain is usually thunderstorm weather. In the summer, when it's been 100 degrees all day and the concrete is too hot to walk on with your bare feet you can expect it. You've been out all day at the lake or around town in an air conditioned car hanging with friends. Then it hits. You can see it rolling in over the biggest little city. The dark puffy clouds form and like a needle to a balloon it just explodes. The sounds bounces off the mountains and the concrete cools with this undeniable smell. It's definitely the wet concrete smell I love, but it has to be hot concrete or it doesn't smell.
When I was little I remember my grandfather telling me during a huge thunder storm, "God is up there bowling. We get to hear him!" I think I was at the age where I was scared of the loud thunder and I remember all the fear just washing away picturing god bowling like my grandpa and I did at the old Reno Starlight bowl:) And it really does sound like bowling:)
Anyways, back to the northwest. The terrain and climate has changed my rain. And honestly my first year here (back in 98) it was very hard to get use to. It rained a lot my first fall/winter, actually 26 days consecutively. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it really is a lot of overcast wetness when you are in it. And it's funny because I remember locals telling me, "this is not how it is here, this is a lot for even us." And up here in Portland it's kind of like Alaska with their snow. You know how they are suppose to have 57 words for snow up there? Well I think we have about 57 different types of rain here. Sprinkling, pouring, misting, drenching, drizzling, storming, etc just to name a few. And with our rain locals do not carry an umbrella, another fact I learned my first year here:)
Anyways, there is comfort in the rain coming. You know all is right with the world. I mean it is so consistent here. EVERY fall when it starts, and EVERY spring when it ends. God has this schedule for us, some consistency which is comforting for some reason right now. Something repeating and not being foreign. Rain is a given every single year.
Sometimes I do think god has his days and nights mixed up with the rain. Like it would be prettier if it rained at night and we had some clear skies during the day. It seems the rain stops right as the stars come out and then it begins again the second the sun rises. Or maybe this is because he wants us to see the stars:)
Either way, I love the rain and how it nourishes the grass and flowers, it washes away the dirt, and leaves everything touched and clean. It smells differently here. My hot concrete smell is non-existent. It is more cool and clean smelling, and the soothing.
This morning I realized.....and I don't know if I do this every single time it rains (but maybe I do), I was singing in my head this morning. Oh my, what if I am always singing this when it rains......another quirk for me I guess:)
I was singing a childhood song.....

It's raining, it's pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

And all was right with my life and I was ready to get out there in the beautiful rain and cheer for some runners. So everyone send happy warm thoughts to all the runners out there in their monumental challenge today of 26.2 miles in the pouring cold rain. And Happy Sunday!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sometimes, okay maybe very often, I push myself to the point of too much. I work too much, then play too much, then just do too much. And then it hits me. I am so exhausted I feel horrible and just need to sleep. Yesterday was one of those days. I hit the wall around 3pm but still had to work until 7:30 which was not pretty. Mentally, physically, or emotionally:(
I was in bed by 8:30 and I really don't think I even moved all night. And it was one of those nights where I slept so hard I didn't even dream.
My point is that no matter how hard you push yourself you have limits and if you don't listen to them, someone else makes you listen to them. Begin part of the medical field I can tell you sleep is underrated. Scientists and doctors have studied sleep and don't really know why you need it. They can't find an exact reason as to why we need to sleep. So since they don't know why, they don't value it. I have patients all the time that are so sleep deprived they get a little or even a lot coo-coo. Or they just don't feel good or do as well.
So maybe sleep is your time to subconsciously connect with something higher. To process your life so it doesn't get off track. Of just time to take a break from yourself and your purposeful thoughts.
I know I am much better today mentally from my golden 9 hours sleep.
I feel good:) Maybe James Brown got a really good nights sleep before writing that song:)

Monday, October 4, 2010

I feel like a piece of china sitting out on display. I look okay from a far but when you really get up close you can see a bunch of little spider web cracks, even a chip or two missing. And even closer you would see that the lid doesn't even fit right. Its just kind of balancing on top...maybe it's not even the original lid, like I'm a sugar bowl with a tea pot lid. Now I am sounding crazy, but I just love analogies I guess.
Maybe its just my own paranoia but I kind of feel like people close to me are at bay just kind of watching me. I look like the same sugar bowl, but they are watching to see "how I am, how I am progressing..good or bad", and if that lid is going to ever really fit right.
And for the most part I keep it together. I feel like I am living two lives some days. One happy and put together and one very beat up and kind of disheveled.

Really I think my china was damaged in the UPS box before it even got loaded onto the truck.
But damaged or not here I am, here I stand. I am still standing. And some days when the sun hits me just right you can see all my faults and flaws, but tonight I am the only one looking at my china and every part of it is as is should be. Right now, right here....every crack happened for a reason. And what is left now, is all that really matters.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I love laid back days, even though I don't let myself have them often if ever anymore. I gotta keep moving for some reason....thinking if I stop I might never get started again.

Here's the recipe for one of my perfect days....
Fall morning breakfast at home
Hot shower, lazy dogs, pumpkin spice candle burning
Cool car show with a handsome man
Wandered 23rd Ave for a second
Watched a movie
Heirloom tomatoes with mozzarella (my new addiction) next to a fire on a crisp autumn night with four legged furry children scattered around my feet....

I definitely need to let go more and think less (common theme and statement lately)....because when I do it feels sooooo nice:)

Friday, October 1, 2010

There is this fountain down by the Library close to my house. I love driving or walking the dogs by in the summer and hearing the kids scream and laugh as they run through the water. It's like a giant sprinkler:) I personally had never walked through it or really gone too terribly close to it until my girlfriend called yesterday. She wanted to take her little guy down in the 85 degree heat to run through it.
All of these kids were having the best time. They were stepping on the holes where the water comes out or half stepping on them to spray each other. They were forming lines and running down the middle, and using empty Gatorade bottles to fill up and soak each other.
The temperature was perfect, the time of day perfect, the company perfect. It wasn't too bright and hot, the sun was just starting to start its evening descent. And little man was rejuvenated from an afternoon nap.
It is always funny to me how kids can just meet and play with one another within seconds. I love that about them. How they don't think or analyze, they just do. When does that stop? When do we start thinking before we do?
I guess it's part of growing up, realizing there are consequences for every action in your life you start to really think before you do anything. Maybe I just want to not think and just do for awhile....maybe I'm regressing to a three year old? Or maybe I just wanted to run through the fountain once and act like a three year old:)

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