Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Running down a dream


I've been MIA, I know. Trying my best to adjust to my new life, as well as some computer troubles ever since I moved my computer to it's new place in my office.

Life goes on and I have responsibilities and commitments I made long ago. This hiccup in my life will not make me a flake, or at least this is the mind frame I am taking.
One of these commitments is the Hood to coast relay race August 27th & 28th, less than 2 months away (eeeekkk!). I will be running leg 3 (check it out!). It's the longest relay race in the world from Mt. Hood Oregon to Seaside, Oregon at the coast.
Last year we (my now ex-husband and I) ran it together for the first time which makes it bitter sweet. I think it will be good for me to do it alone (that is, without him) this year with my friends who really have come to bat at my darkest hour. And I am hoping for some kind of spiritual closure regarding my suddenly single status, to occur on my last leg. Last year I did have a very intimate conversation with the Almighty himself at mile 5 out of 7.2 of my second stretch (you run 3 legs total so I ran 3, 15, and 27). There is something so empowering about finishing 7.2 miles, after 3.5 earlier in the day, and then 8 hours later the last 6 miles. I mean, if you can do that, it makes you feel like you can do anything.
I get easily motivated by things like "The Biggest Loser" contestants running their marathon on TV, and, you know Oprah ran a marathon once. Then, I see pregnant woman running sometimes...all of these things make me think "Good god I have no excuse not to run." But all jokes aside I really started to run a year ago March. I had never run in my life. My dad made a joke once about how I ran like a girl and I remember thinking "I am a girl" but it made me self conscious and I didn't like running too much so I just kind of stopped really doing to much of it unless it involved another sport. I did envy those woman who were running in 5ks, 10ks, half marathons, marathons, you name it. I just thought "I could never do that!"
Then comes a year ago February. I took care of John. A 55 year old patient after a descending aneurysm repair. After a complication from surgery he was unable to walk. He was paralyzed from the waste down. I remember his face when I translated the neurosurgeon's over the top conversation of medical terms into one John could understand. The surgeon just kept saying "There is nothing we can do for you at this time, " which then John would innocently reply "When can you?" Finally I said what the neurosurgeon was too sad to say. "There is nothing we can do. You will not be able to walk again."
We cried together, John, his wife, and I. And to this day I think about him, so much so that the month after I took care of him I began running.
I run for John because I know if he could, he would. I mean, think about it. If someone said run 6 miles now or never walk again you would run. You would run everyday if you knew you would lose the ability to do so without running. It's something we all take for granted, and I decided that day as way to honor John's loss I would run for him.
I guess it comes with my job as a nurse. You see pain and outcomes sometimes you can not change at times. And as a way to personally work through them we cope in different ways. I began to run. At times when life gets hard you can always look to someone who seems to have a more difficult situation going on. This divorce is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, but I know I have so much to be grateful for including my legs. And I know I will endure and survive this.
I run off the pain and hurt, and I am healing a day at a time. Or should I say mile by mile . A little Tom Petty helps too. Any recommendations for a good get over it soundtrack to run too?

25 comments:

  1. I will survive by Gloria Gainer.

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  2. Lindsey~
    When I went through my divorce,the thing that worked for me was to pray that I would forget the hurtful things he had done and said and THANK GOD IT WORKED. Later, people would say
    "remember the time..." and I honestly couldn't remember. God is good.
    Suzy

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  3. Lindsey, My heart hurts for you! I have been where you are at. I came thru a divorce a much different person. I found that I liked me! I had lots of fun discovering me after being us. I am now happily married after 10 years of being divorced. You have a wonderful supporting mother. Best of luck on this new journey! Yanni got me thru the worst times. The sound track from "waiting to exhale" was another favorite. Hugs ~Robin~

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  4. oh Lindsey, I'm so sorry.......I didn't know, precious girl you are in my thoughts.

    The Other Tracey

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  5. Sadly, so many of us have been where you are...you will get through this....you will grow stronger and wiser....MUCH wiser....and one day, about 25 years later, you will be in Wal-Mart on your lunch hour... and he will come up to you and hug your neck and tell you what a mistake he made...letting you go...and you will look him square in the eye and say, yes you did, but I am glad you did....and then you will walk away....very strong and VERY VERY wise...

    Lou Cinda :)

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  6. Lindsey, I went thru what you are going thru and believe me you have GREAT days ahead... HMMM on the sound track, I like Jodee Mesina's, "My Give a Damn's Busted"... Ok, maybe not the best but it helped me many days.....

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  7. "You Get What You Give" by the New Radicals.(Because YOU have got the music in you!)

    I've been reading your mom's blog for ages and just came over here today to check our yours. And I like you already. I'm proud of you for running for John. That's a beautiful thing.

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  8. It's old, but it's my favorite workout album...ahem, that is when I work out is The Fine Young Cannibals. As I recall they only had one, but it rocks. My 2 cents about divorce is that you're so right about getting rid of stuff and very lucky yours was (sorry) quick. In Aug. I will enter year 5 of trying to get divorced from the person I was married to for 34 years. I never saw it coming..."surprise"! In the end, there's nothing good about it except finding yourself after years of being lost. Go Lindsey!

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  9. Hi Lindsey. I went through this over the last two years, after having been married for 30 years. Raised two daughters, the whole thing - never saw it coming. It's a journey - that's for sure. I have to say that even though this is a sorority nobody EVER wants to join, I've met the most wonderful women because of it. I'm here via the link from your mom's blog - her story got me through a lot when I was first separated. Good luck. Debbie

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  10. hi, Lindsey. I am another one who's come along via your mom's blog. Love her blog!

    What you are going through right now is really tough. Unfortunately, this is life, and bad stuff does happen. I always say, it doesn't matter who you are, by the time we reach our 30's we have baggage. Everyone does. It could be divorce, or illness,or just bad luck. It happens. What matters now is the choices you make and how you handle yourself. You are young and gorgeous, you have a fab career (woo, what a great field nursing is! wink-wink), you have a good family, and in the end you will be alright. Yes, you will be. In time, the pain will go away and your life will move on. You will gain perspective and and be an even better person.
    mary

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  11. I read your Mom's post and I popped in to say the same as you've been told, the same as you've told yourself... Having been through this twice, I know a woman with your DNA will make it... you will be a different woman than the one who started the journey... but a delicious life is there for anyone with the heart to write a post like this one. You are a darling... and because you run for John, you will run for yourself and for your Mom and for others (even for me). God will help us all. He;s that good! Hugs from Missouri.

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  12. Alicia Keys "Super Woman". And remember, "the miracle isn't that you finished but rather that you had the courage to start". And the next time you see your father, tell him "I know I run like a girl, now try and keep up". Kick ass runner girl, kick ass!!!!

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  13. Hi Dear Lyndsey~ I just had to stop by after reading your sweet Mama's post (love her by the way)and send some major [[[Hugs]]] to you. I have been an RN for 29 years and like you have cried many times with my patients. I think you will find that your strong character and tender heart you use in your Nursing career will also help you in your personal life. As Nurses we sometimes forget to care for ourselves especially in difficult times. Cheers to you for running those marathons and having the gift of sharing tears with your patients~ Blessings, Carol
    http://raisedincotton.typepad.com

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  14. You are your mother's daughter. What a blessing. That fact alone gives you so much of an advantage. Sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

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  15. My Favorite Quote
    “Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing :God alone suffices.”
    St. Teresa of Avila quote
    All things pass and you will Love again…..
    Sweet Blessings,
    Virginia

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  16. My heart goes out to you for what you're going through. I can't imagine it for myself, it's heartbreaking...
    there is something wonderful ahead for you though...it'll be your job to find it :)

    Thank you for your compassion with your patients...my husband has had a lot of heart problems the past 12 years. It's always been the sweet cardiac nurses that have made me smile when I wanted to cry...or told me it was OK to go ahead and cry...they have all taken such good care of him over the years. I thank ALL of you for that. And thank you for thinking of John when you run.

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  17. I came here from your mom's blog and wanted to say that my heart hurts for you. But you are lucky to have the support of your mom, who I consider a very strong person. You will make it and be a better person for it.

    I teared up when I read about John. As a person who had a brain aneurysm coiled in February, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your compassion and caring for John. I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful caring neurosurgeon as I understand that a lot of time that isn't your typical personality for that type of dr. :) That is so wonderful of you to run for John and I'm sure he would be happy to know that you think of him.

    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  18. I just love your mom's blog; it's the first one I check every day. I've been away from my computer for a couple of days, and when I got home and checked her blog, I read the news about you.

    As a mom, I know it is gut-wrenching to have to watch your child go through any kind of pain.

    I'm so sorry for this bump in your road, but you are so lucky to have the mom you do. You will be fine, and you will come out of this stronger and better. Hang tough.

    Brenda
    PS I love your story about John and running.

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  19. I am here cause of your mom too. During my divorce and the healing... I would every once in awhile catch a glimpse of who I could be. I focused on that and guess what - it happened! Stay focused and lean on your family and friends.

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  20. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. They mean a lot to me :)

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  21. Hey Lindsey, found your blog through your mother's. I could say a lot, as I know what you're going through. But you asked for a song, so here it is: "The Power Inside of Me", by Richard Marx, from "The Mirror has 2 Faces" soundtrack. Great words for you right now, and good momentum while you're moving.

    P.S. You are a great writer. Keep your chin up, and stay cool in the heat. I too live in Beaverton, and wither when it's over 80 degrees. Ciao for now, Maria

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  22. Hi Lindsey, I've also been where you are. But when I read your story of compassion for others when you are hurting, I know you will survive.When you are in the mist of heart break and think of others you are special and different than most people. I wish you all the success and happiness possible.

    Love you and your mom's blogs.

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  23. Awww Linds, I am sorry...I was there last year and even though I wanted the divorce there were still moments that were hard. Even though it's hard now, the saying "this to shall pass" is so appropriate. The day will come when you will be at peace with the divorce and able to move on and open your heart again. Until that moment comes, it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction to improve your life AND the lives of others in an indirect way. Good luck with the run! Kudos for that! (and you're right, if it was between never walking again and running, I too would run)

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  24. Shut up from Simple Plan got me through quite a few angry moments. Lock yourself in the car, turn it up and yell 'Shut up' to the music. It is amazing how much better you feel afterwards (I also had the song on repeat).

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  25. I know a LOT about not being able to run....and have TWO divorces under my belt too.... I thought I'd never stop crying, but have and am able to say I'm really happy again. It took awhile, but the hurt does wane and the smiles will come much more often than the tears.....

    If you're in the mood for a REALLY good laugh rent She-Devil with Roseanne Barr...it was recommended to me by another divorced chickie and made me laugh when I thought I couldn't.

    God bless 'ya! It's all going to be OK...

    Warm blessings,
    Spencer

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