Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Just a shadow

Kind of weird how far I have come in only 106 days, or 15 weeks, or 3 months ago or so ago. Not that I am counting at all, really I just did the math today and thought how you can measure it in numbers. I also can measure it in feeling. I have a new attitude, some new friends, really kind of a new life.
When you put a number on it, it doesn't look that far removed but it feels like a lifetime ago. It's just strange how this light bulb can come on and really make you a different person.
I have been enjoying my life so much more over these past 3 months than I really did over the past 3 years. There have been bad days but I think I am getting close to the top of this hill where the bad days will really just be a hazy memory. They still happen but nothing like they use to to.
Days where I have this wave of reality wash over me in a second. Like that sick hot feeling you get when you have the flu, or the feeling you get when you trip and for a split second think you are really going to hurt yourself (what can I say I am really clumsy). There is this physical response your body does as a reaction, only with these moments my body is reacting to my mind.

It is really interesting the moments I have that involve my big D lately. One is that every single patient I have taken care of for the last 3 months (and I am not exaggerating) asks me, "Sweetie are you married?" "Honey, what does your old man do?" "Why aren't you married?" or my favorite just because it digs the knife in a little deeper, "Do you have kids?"
All are innocent, actually caring questions from sincere sweet people. Not meant to be malicious or hurtful, which makes me wonder if it is part of the recovery. Maybe this is a daily therapy for me from God. He has decided to push me with these little blink of a second conversations. He makes me think about it, respond to it, and then usually hear something back from one of these random people I just met for the first time.
So how do I respond?
Sometimes with a joke: "I'm too smart and young to be married" and for the little old men "are you offering? Or do you have a grandson?"
Sometimes with a insightful optimistic comment: "I guess I just haven't found Mr. Right yet"
Sometimes with pure ugly honesty: "I was and now I'm not. Still working through it"- this one usually leaves a silence in the room. Or "he didn't want to be married anymore" -that one really hurts and is usually my response when I am having a pity party moment....rare but occasional.
And sometimes I just let it role off like water and ignore it all together "Nope, not married"-which for some reason, even to a complete stranger I do not like lying (probably a quality I got from my mom)
I can say the more I have to say it, the easier it seems to get. And it has nothing to do with what people think about my answer or what they will think of me. It just has something to do with me thinking about it and not avoiding it. But like a shadow it seems to follow me. I feel like my shadow was biggest in June and now with October approaching here in the Northwest there is only a sliver of shadow left. Some sunny days it might be bigger but overall shadow days are getting shorter and shorter, smaller and smaller.
Until soon it will be completely gone...

1 comment:

  1. God's grace (and time) will heal you. You're doing fine.
    Your Mama


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