I am having a hard time today. Hard because I look back on the past six months and see how far I've come, but I can also see that I still have some more hills to conquer. And I know time is the key to the conquering. But in my true Lindsey fashion I just want it to be over, fixed and buried. I want to bulldoze the hills or just borrow someones vespa and get to the top already.
I want to be looking backwards and say "that was hard but it's over." Sometimes I say that exact sentence even though it's not over, I say it is. Some retarded thought that if I verbalize it, it will speed up.....crazy huh?
I know part of my coping mechanism is staying busy, too busy actually. I don't do well with lulls and moments of silence. The silence gets my head buzzing and the next thing I know I am disintegrating. Evaporating all the work I feel like I've done to keep myself standing, which is completly untrue but I start to think it is all undoing. All of the sudden this feeling washes over me like a wave of insanity. And there I am fighting back tears that are completely irrational. But as quickly as it comes on, it leaves. Which I always forget.
Maybe that's the anxiety, the feeling that I may loose it all together and not be able to pull it back. But I always do. I don't fall all the way apart and every time it seems my waves do get shorter and farther apart.
It's hard to believe people in my life can understand this. They can understand these crazy feelings have nothing to do with them, and actually they can understand because they have been in my shoes. They have stood where I am standing and they too made it through and they know this will all pass. They can actually tell me comforting words like "this is normal" and "it's good you are feeling this way because it shows you are working through it."
I have a lot of friends in my same sorority and I am thanking God for every single one of them tonight. And I know sadly, I will be one of them for someone else someday.
And even though my house makes me want to cry somedays, my holiday was a little off, and I am the proud budgeter for a new gardner......I am glad I had the chapter in my life before that led to all of it. And now I am off to a new chapter as someone told me (thanks Aunt B).
It was good at one point....it just ended, and I can accept that.
2011 better watch out, I have a lot more on my bucket list....more energy, more time and an outlook that is getting brighter by the second:) Oh, and no one holding me back:) Not even myself.....