Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This photo is of New Year's Eve in Paris...wish I was there....but I am not so............................
I was thinking about how New Years resolutions are odd. I mean it doesn't take New Years to find something about myself I want to work on.

With that being said my resolutions:

I want to read more

I want to gossip less

I want to just "BE" more which actually means do less:)

I want to plan more and react less

I want to laugh a lot more

I want to cry less

I want to drive less and ride my bike a lot more:)

I want to be a better me......

Have safe New Year!!! See you in 2011:)

Oh and check out my mom's blog: to participate in her giveaway today. She wants to know what your "word" for 2011 can check mine out under the comments. Just because I am her daughter doesn't mean I can't win her giveaway:)

Monday, December 27, 2010

I like to think you can't tell what I am thinking by my expression, but sadly I think I may have inherited the exact lack of this ability from my mother. I can read her face like a book, actually like the front page headline of the newspaper. God love her you can see her emotions simultaneously as she feels them all over her face.
I like to think I can not show judgement when I totally disagree with you, but I don't think I can. How can I work on my poker face? I want to be the wise one that keeps you guessing because you really can not tell what I am thinking.
The only way I can think to really work on this would be the obvious.....changing my way of thinking. I mean really, if I didn't "react" with emotion my face wouldn't show anything.

Case in point: Tonight about to leave work I had a problem between myself and a couple peers/coworkers. There was no right or wrong answer but they seemed to feel that there actually was a right answer and it was their answer.
Tired, exhausted and really feeling unappreciated for the tolerance I had all day for this exact type of dilemma.... I could feel my face and neck getting blotchy, aka my emotions getting the best of me and my face showing every single part of it. The more I notice the warm feeling flushing my face, the more flushed I am sure I get.
So now even if I am calm and not emotionally driven I look crazy and emotional by the shade of rosy pink my cheeks take on.
I think with maturity and experience my flushed face moments have lessened, but that doesn't make their rare occurrence any less embarrassing.
For now, I just got to chuck it up to a day at the office. An event I can learn from, and next time maybe even if I am thinking frustration....they won't see it all over my face:) Or maybe I will channel some mediation to take me down from the frustration level all together. That would be great:)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I am having a hard time today. Hard because I look back on the past six months and see how far I've come, but I can also see that I still have some more hills to conquer. And I know time is the key to the conquering. But in my true Lindsey fashion I just want it to be over, fixed and buried. I want to bulldoze the hills or just borrow someones vespa and get to the top already.
I want to be looking backwards and say "that was hard but it's over." Sometimes I say that exact sentence even though it's not over, I say it is. Some retarded thought that if I verbalize it, it will speed up.....crazy huh?
I know part of my coping mechanism is staying busy, too busy actually. I don't do well with lulls and moments of silence. The silence gets my head buzzing and the next thing I know I am disintegrating. Evaporating all the work I feel like I've done to keep myself standing, which is completly untrue but I start to think it is all undoing. All of the sudden this feeling washes over me like a wave of insanity. And there I am fighting back tears that are completely irrational. But as quickly as it comes on, it leaves. Which I always forget.
Maybe that's the anxiety, the feeling that I may loose it all together and not be able to pull it back. But I always do. I don't fall all the way apart and every time it seems my waves do get shorter and farther apart.
It's hard to believe people in my life can understand this. They can understand these crazy feelings have nothing to do with them, and actually they can understand because they have been in my shoes. They have stood where I am standing and they too made it through and they know this will all pass. They can actually tell me comforting words like "this is normal" and "it's good you are feeling this way because it shows you are working through it."
I have a lot of friends in my same sorority and I am thanking God for every single one of them tonight. And I know sadly, I will be one of them for someone else someday.

And even though my house makes me want to cry somedays, my holiday was a little off, and I am the proud budgeter for a new gardner......I am glad I had the chapter in my life before that led to all of it. And now I am off to a new chapter as someone told me (thanks Aunt B).
It was good at one just ended, and I can accept that.

2011 better watch out, I have a lot more on my bucket list....more energy, more time and an outlook that is getting brighter by the second:) Oh, and no one holding me back:) Not even myself.....

Friday, December 24, 2010

Well I learned yet another talent of Mr. Big Dog this morning. He can wrap, and I may say quite well. However, his hoarding habits have again reared their ugly face. He has a hoard of Christmas wrapping supplies that would put Martha Steward to shame. I did tease a bit about that, but then he put them to great use with his creations below. I was quite impressed:)Have a great day, Merry Christmas and get the new year started right!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

With the economy being so rotten, I know we are all trying to pinch our pennies and get the most out of our shopping. However, there are somethings I have realized you should not under any circumstances go cheap on! You get what you pay for and the more expensive is just worth it. So I am trying to save you any heartache out there....

1. Ziploc in point: When shaking Christmas chex mix in the bag to coat them with powdered is good to spend the extra dollar so the bag does not explode all over your kitchen. And for the record my dogs could not even lick it all up:(

2. Matches...yes matches. I bought cheapo grocery store brand matches and I continue to use them like an idiot. I have burned myself and countless times the match has broken while lit. I am then diving behind furniture trying to snub the burning little stick as to not burn down my house. Why I do not have a long lighter I do not know but maybe Santa could bring me one.

3. Cornbread mix. Marie Calendars is the best...will always be the best....and I think that cheap Jiffy stuff may just be sawdust with a little side of cornmeal:(

4. And last on my mind....Christmas wrapping paper. I made the mistake of buying some from Target's dollar section.....too bad I didn't really notice it's too short to cover a standard present. Long enough yes, wide enough no. So if you want to wrap tiny little packages it's great, but you really can't use it on anything else. Not worth the deal to me;) Even if it has cute little dogs with snow hats on!

Just what's on my crazy mind:)

Monday, December 20, 2010

This year I just couldn't bring myself to buy any Christmas cards to send out. If you're reading this and you are expecting one from me, sorry not this year. I promise next year it will be all the talk and the best one you've ever received but this year it's just not happening. Call it busyness, call it lack of motivation, or maybe just lack of inspiration.
What kind of card do you send post divorce? It's not yesterday but not long enough that I can really think of something to put on the card that isn't a repeat (did the dogs one year and the house another) and for obvious reasons I am not putting myself alone.
I love love love love love getting the cards from all my friends and family, especially with great family pictures and little kids in matching outfits. But really it's kind of an ever so gentle slap as to what I am "not" at the moment.
This is not to be depressing but just kind of a defense as to my lack of card sending. I do not want to ever send a really boring Christmas card, like the store bought Hallmarky ones (no offense to be taken if you like those cards).
I like my card to have a lot of thought, or at least be funny. And maybe I also have a feeling of......if I send out a card I am just acting like I am this 100% self with not a scratch from the past 6 months of uncomfortable growth. Especially to those people out there who don't see me on a daily basis or even monthly basis. I mean, I am getting there...almost there.....but not quite. And I feel like if I was to send out this little card of Christmas happiness, it might be faking it a little.
Even though I got a tree (which I love), decorated my house, and even have Christmas bandannas on my puppies:) It's just a different feeling this year. New but unfamiliar, fun but uncomfortable at times, and sometimes sentimental but other times very refreshing.
I guess it's hard to explain but I just didn't want to do cards this year, and so I am not.....
I hope those on the receiving end can understand....I love you and next year you'll get a card:) Or should I say non-receiving end:(

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I have this theory, which I can strongly argue may be fact. My mother is one of the most creative people I know. Seriously, she can make a paper bag look like a million bucks. Once she made a spectacular table setting at my house with my things (she calls this shopping around your house) in just 20mins before Thanksgiving dinner and it looked like I spent a lot of money and planned it for hours. My sister and I joke (but even my sister has more creativity than me) that our teachers knew for sure we never did our school projects without mom's flare. Once she even used plaster of paris on a barbie for my mummy project, this was in 4th grade!
So as the holiday gets close I find myself trying so very hard to be "creative" with my gifts. I am trying to make things with not much money, and a lot of thought. Even wrapping a present is overwhelming for me because my mom even sells a video on how to wrap presents. Her presents always look that great!
So it seems I would just be better off if my mom would come over and help me. Even with my decorations, this lack of creativity has become a dependence on my mom. It's gotten to the point of repeated phones calls and now IPHONE pictures, all to get a creative blessing for whatever I am working on.
I do have hope that my children will again have the gene because they will not have a creative mom, thus they will HAVE to step it up and just make special things happen. Or maybe grandma will just help them too:)
So wish me luck as I go back to work....worst case I will pull the daughter card now that my mom lives only 30mins aways:)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So for those of you who may not know....Portland, Oregon is the home to the Nike Campus, Adidas Headquarters, and Columbia Sportswear. As a local you usually have a friend or a friend of a friend, or you're a nurse and your facility gets you these awesome passes for the employee stores around town.
These stores are AMAZING! You can get stuff way cheaper and you can get stuff other people can't because it didn't make the cut for the public.
So being a nurse now at OHSU, I scored a day pass for Nike and Adidas this year. But the only glitch is that you can't take anyone with you. I don't know about you but I shop better with someone else.
I did venture to Nike all by myself and did some serious damage on Friday, but like I said I wanted to shop with someone. So I called on my sister in law who totally came thru and hooked up Mr. Big Dog and I for Saturday too!
As well as my massage guy who does massages for Columbia employes so he hooked us up for Columbia!
I was feeling pretty cool and popular with my connections, and I think Mr. Big Dog might have been a little impressed by my resoursefulness too:)
I got a new snow coat:) Mr. Big Dog got two more coats (this may be a red flag....I haven't decided yet). Some awesome Christmas gifts, an awesome picnic/snow Penelton blanket:) and who can't use more running gear??? It's actually very motivating for me to buy running just makes me want to run!
Back to Columbia...the owner/creator is an awesome local you've probably seen on the commericals and labels. Her name is Gert Boyle, aka Ma Boyle. Well we had some local drama a couple weeks ago when some guys tried to kidnap her in her home for ransom. But she is so brilliant she deployed her burglar alarm and they were all caught. Pretty neat story....she maybe kinda of my hero....

Saturday, December 11, 2010

We did some self Christmas shopping at REI last night. Mr. Big Dog "needed" a new winter snow coat. "Needed" has been an ongoing discussion. I mean I like to point out my newer found appreciation for the things I really "need" in my life. Like family, friends, food, water, maybe a day to sit back and know things I need as opposed to "want". Sure I would love a trip to Hawaii or a pair of knee high black boots, but I don't "need" them.

So this jacket is not a necessity but more of a wish or want. He works hard and plays hard so a new coat was earned:) In our adult life it's funny how are "wants" change. I mean Mr. Big Dog has been researching and googling away for the perfect coat. He checked snow magazines, websites, you name it for this big purchase perfect coat.

He found the brand he wanted online at REI....check here to see his dream coat. So now that you have the visual. We are in REI. This nice man is assisting us at the dream jacket rack. The only jackets locked up, attached to the rack in the entire store due to their "special-ness" I was informed (more like price really:) ).

We are chatting and joking about how REI must throw a parade in your honor or at least throw in a limousine ride for the purchase price of this beautiful jacket. Or how you could theoretically be stranded in the forest, find a creek and literally use this jacket to gather water like a plastic bag for your survival (really this coat is that intense). And last but not least how this coat, sad but true, will most likely outlive both of use due to its durability.

SOLD! Mr. Big Dog is ready to buy his coat:) But wait!

The conversation went something like this:

"Didn't I wear a coat into REI?"- Mr. Big Dog (MBD)

" You probably left it in the car."- oblivious me

"No, I think I wore my Northface coat in"- MBD

"Oh dear, what did it look like?"- me

"Black. Ah, the car keys are in it."-MBD

Now a little panicky we start to comb the coat area for a black northface coat, used in appearance and hopefully with car keys in the pocket (my car keys by the way).
We gathered some REI employees to join the search when an older man (employee) says, "well I did put a Marmot coat away on that rack a minute ago."

"Oh yeah! It's a marmot coat! Where? Where?"- MBD

"What! You don't even know what brand your coat is? You have a northface and a marmot coat too? What are you a collector?"-me

The very efficient older gentleman had in fact hung up Mr. Big Dog's Marmot jacket on the Marmot rack in another area. Which I then pointed out the jacket does look pretty good for being years old.

The car keys were in the pocket (which I promptly took) and we all had a good laugh. A laugh at the diligence of the employee to put things away even if they were customer owned. And a laugh that Mr. Big Dog may have a coat problem. He may "need" coats so often that he does not even know what he owns or wears.

But I must say this Arc'teryx coat is pretty nice and he does look great in it:) It will be the best in the collection for sure!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

"Remember, He does not see us the way we see ourselves; He sees us the way we are meant to be."

This sentence gets me out of my head when I am hardest on myself. When I am going over regret and getting frustrated with myself about how I coulda, woulda, shoulda done something different.
In the end I know I AM trying and everyday it gets easier to be a better me. To not have hate in my heart, to not judge others, and to just let go and not worry about what is ahead.

Easier said than done. Well for now, I'm just off to work:)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Being raised 30 to 90 min's from awesome ski resorts at Tahoe I must say I was very spoiled growing up. Spoiled by the snow, by the weather, and my parents supporting my snow extracurriculars. And here and now I will say "THANK YOU, you gave me a hobby I continue to love. Thank you, thank you, thank you."
My parents never really skied themselves but they wanted their kids to be involved in the sport of snow. First we skied, my mom put us in lessons and god bless her dropped us off and picked us up. Then I transitioned into snowboarding in sixth or seventh grade with my Christmas gift being my first snowboard.
Now at thirty after a 5 year hiatus due to me letting life get in the way:( I am ready and excited for the snow season. Mr. Big Dog usually skis but this year he decided to try out snowboarding on the side with me. In a typical man fashion he acted like he didn't know what he was doing but really he is this force to be reckoned with natural on his new-used board. Don't you hate that? Some people are just naturally athletic and talented, others have to work so hard at it.

I am one of the later of the two. I have never been athletically talented but I try. I try hard. With snowboarding, running, biking...really none of it is easy for me. But I do love trying and I love being up in the snow. Even when the conditions aren't great, the snow is a little icy, and your pants don't have enough padding to keep your tush's really all about the company that makes it fun every single time;)

I can't believe how snowboarding is like riding a bike in some aspects but then in others its like learning all over again. Part of it is pure fear I will hurt myself. Mr. Big Dog and I decided you have more at stake when you're older. Broken bones mean missed work and long term problems like arthritis:( As opposed to when you are, say 17 and you hit every jump without thinking twice because missing school never sounds like a bad thing:)

You do have to love/hate that technology makes episodes like this available to watch on repeat:) (That is thanks to Mr. Big Dog). But at least I can laugh at myself:). I can't wait to go again!

Well I have my tree up and decorated and it's just the first week of December. I don't think I have ever been this organized in December in my life! I even has some gifts bought!!!

I think this year I am a little more excited about the holiday. Last year I vaguely remember an argument about how messy Christmas trees were and how they really had no point. And I really don't know how a tree fits in with the birth of Christ but it's a tradition my family always had growing up. And I love it thank you very much:)

My house is a cracker box, really really tiny. And this year I decided to put my tree in the corner behind the sofa. My old Iphone photography really does not do the room justice because it's not as crammed as it looks. It really came out cozy actually.
I don't have a fireplace so I have started the tradition of handing my stockings on my plantation shutters:) I love my shutters, actually every house I've owned I put them in:) They just look great open, closed and with all kinds of styles of decor. Very classic:)
Anyways I got the cutest stockings at Monticello's Holiday sale in the Worthy Goods booth! My mom mentioned it on her blog here:) These stockings are so adorable and suited just for me with the red american cross looking detail at the top. And my sister is having her make some custom ones for her family.

Now if I just still had Santa to stuff them, that would make it all perfect....

Friday, December 3, 2010

My mom and sister surprised me with Vinny (named after Vincent Van Gogh) back in the Fall of 2001. He was a puppy and became my first dog. I took him everywhere with me, he was the life of every college party, has made several drives to the coast and Reno with me, and has seen just about every single dog park in the Portland/Metro area. He has had tons of doggy training classes and is a very smart little Chihuahua mixed with a poodle.
Now for the problem.....He has been potty trained from early on but he has this little aggressive side which seems to be getting upsetting-ly worse as of lately. And he is the grand of age of almost 10 years old, or in dog years he is a 70 year old little man.
So the dirty truth people is....... he is a marker. Yes people, I said it. You don't want my dog at your house because he likes to tinkle little amounts of golden liquid around mainly pieces of furniture like sofas and tables. He has committed this crime around my beautiful house. I have caught him in the act recently and he just looks at me like "what's the problem mom?" Infuriated I did the typical "no, no, no" but can I really change his old man ways at 10 years? Can you break old habits of an old dog?
I have had to watch him at other peoples homes because he has always had this "issue" over the years when it comes to someones house where there are other dogs. He was always the bad house guest until I found a doggie diaper he now wears. He doesn't seem embarrassed or even deterrent by the diaper.
Infact lately at Mr. Big Dog's house he just pees in the diaper (which he never use to do, the diaper was a detergent). And it's not like he doesn't get outside enough, this is not a medial issue. It is just enough tinkle that you know he was marking, but now I can't even leave him without the diaper in my own home (which previously was not an issue).

Any advice out there? Am I destine to have a dog that wears a diaper forever? But look at those eyes, even if he's a cranky incontinent old dog he is also the sweetest little four legged furry thing I have ever known:)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well every single time I am in my best physical shape I tell myself I won't slide again. I won't get off the workout wagon and I won't stop running. But it always seems that life happens, things get busy and other priorities start to dictate my days. So now here I am having to start over again. I ran last night on a treadmill for the first time since last spring.
Don't get me wrong, I think the treadmill was a great invention but I hate them. I hate that I can see my speed and mileage. It makes me crazy, and I mess with the machine constantly. Up, down, up, down, really I can't get in a good rhythm.
But after working 32 hours in the past two days, I was happy to squeak out a 2 mile run on the man made trail at 24 hour (during prime meat market time too 7pm, that's when the girls workout in makeup).
And my adventure to 24 hour fitness was sadly not due to my craving to run, even though I have had them over the past couple weeks, but more that Mr. Big Dog thought we should each have a mileage goal for the week. A challenge from Mr. Big Dog? Maybe?
I said 6 miles ( I am rusty remember), he said 8 miles. So I am shooting for 8 miles, but really it's my job that makes this extra hard.....I have 36 hours divided into 3 days starting today!
Oh if all I had to do was run and work was optional, I think I would run as many miles as I had too:) But this week I have another 6 to go, wish me luck.

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