I turned thirty this past April. I am divorced. I have a great career. I have a house and a paid off car. I have my sister and my mom nearby. And loads of friends, who this weekend seem to all be doing fun things they would love me to partake in. I think I have been invited to 2 BBQ's, 1 Birthday party, caving at Mt. St. Helen's, and running a new trail with a one of my girlfriends all this weekend! I have been busy and I am having fun. And for all of this I feel blessed, even the divorce since I have survived and things could always be a lot worse.
So why am I saying all of this? Maybe it's my personality. Maybe it's society norms. But I feel this little bit of anxiety that wax and wains but never quite disappears. This little voice in my head saying "what are you going to do?" "You are a this fork in the road, so make it count and do what you really want!"
I have always thought I would go to graduate school. I applied last year and did not get in because it wasn't part of the plan for me at the time. It truly would have been a mess if I had gotten in, at the time it was disappointing but looking back I see it was good this path did not start quite yet. So is it time now?
Or I have always loved renovating the houses I live in. I love seeing potential in something and making it beautiful again. I love the DIY and HGTV channel. I love a challenge. I have been wanting to buy another house and renovate it. But it wasn't something I have been courageous enough to do as of yet. And I didn't have the support in my personal life to do so, until now. So is it time now?
Then there is the ultimate goal of a family:) I want to be a mom someday and I swear that clock does tick loud. Especially when you work with women in my same age group. Everyone is pregnant that I work with. All cute with their bellies and excited with their nursery planning....and I feel 40 steps behind with thinking about my lack of a husband.
So back to the clock of life ticking. I just wish I had a crystal ball or my own personal fortune teller to ease my mind. To tell me it will be just as I wish and it is going to take time that I can not fast forward. There is a reason I am suppose to work through all of this at this pace and I will continue to just take one day at a time...but it's hard to just LET that happen or at least acknowledge that I have no control.
But if I could buy that crystal ball I might just pay everything I had for it right now:)