I turned thirty this past April. I am divorced. I have a great career. I have a house and a paid off car. I have my sister and my mom nearby. And loads of friends, who this weekend seem to all be doing fun things they would love me to partake in. I think I have been invited to 2 BBQ's, 1 Birthday party, caving at Mt. St. Helen's, and running a new trail with a one of my girlfriends all this weekend! I have been busy and I am having fun. And for all of this I feel blessed, even the divorce since I have survived and things could always be a lot worse. So why am I saying all of this? Maybe it's my personality. Maybe it's society norms. But I feel this little bit of anxiety that wax and wains but never quite disappears. This little voice in my head saying "what are you going to do?" "You are a this fork in the road, so make it count and do what you really want!"
I have always thought I would go to graduate school. I applied last year and did not get in because it wasn't part of the plan for me at the time. It truly would have been a mess if I had gotten in, at the time it was disappointing but looking back I see it was good this path did not start quite yet. So is it time now?
Or I have always loved renovating the houses I live in. I love seeing potential in something and making it beautiful again. I love the DIY and HGTV channel. I love a challenge. I have been wanting to buy another house and renovate it. But it wasn't something I have been courageous enough to do as of yet. And I didn't have the support in my personal life to do so, until now. So is it time now?
Then there is the ultimate goal of a family:) I want to be a mom someday and I swear that clock does tick loud. Especially when you work with women in my same age group. Everyone is pregnant that I work with. All cute with their bellies and excited with their nursery planning....and I feel 40 steps behind with thinking about my lack of a husband.
So back to the clock of life ticking. I just wish I had a crystal ball or my own personal fortune teller to ease my mind. To tell me it will be just as I wish and it is going to take time that I can not fast forward. There is a reason I am suppose to work through all of this at this pace and I will continue to just take one day at a time...but it's hard to just LET that happen or at least acknowledge that I have no control.
But if I could buy that crystal ball I might just pay everything I had for it right now:)
Don't we ALL wish we had a crystal ball sometimes?
ReplyDeleteOh, but then there would be no adventure! You're doing great, and you know what is important. I love you so much, hunny bunny.
Your Mama
The grass is always greener. Enjoy you fun new single-life!
ReplyDeleteBe your inner champion, take a deep breath and listen.....
ReplyDeleteApply to grad school again. This could be your time to do something for yourself. Take advantage of this "alone" time; you don't want to be in school with children at home.
ReplyDeleteKaye
Listen to your mamma! You are not driving the I hear your age speaking. Don't you ever even think about giving up what you have for a crystal ball! The universe is a mighty powerful force and it will mold you into what you are meant to be. But not until you are ready to wave the white flag and give up your ideas of what your life is supposed to be. Sometimes the universe whispers, sometimes it hits you over the head! Listen to what you are being told and don't guess! Hang in there and watch your mamma. You are able to learn from another pioneer.
ReplyDelete