Thursday, September 16, 2010

I need a new mower....a real mower (this is not an analogy for a man)


I had an epiphany today while mowing the lawn.

First of all, my yard is a 1/4 acre and I have been busy and out of town so I think it's been about 2 weeks since I last mowed it. Thanks to Portland, it still needed to be mowed because the fall rain made it grow:) Anyways, I HATE my mower. It's probably user error but I can't get the bag to stay on and then when it is on it sprays grass on me. And for some reason when I think I have it on correctly, under the right tire doesn't seem to cut. So I am out there, with my three dogs watching me, thinking "seriously, give me a break and just let me get this done. Why god does this have to be so difficult?" I am sweaty, hungry, tired, and really I am mowing twice since under the right tire is not cutting.....And then I start to get mad. I start to think about how this was his job. This was not my responsibility in my past life...or I should say as of 3 months ago. It was his. And I get upset. Upset with him, upset with me for being upset with him, and really upset with the stupid mower.

Back to the epiphany. Here I am about to cry about the stupid mower (probably just a little hormonally related or maybe sleep deprivation induced) with the three sets of little dog eyes staring at me like "mom just keep it together....and by the way you missed a spot over there."

And then it happened.......
I realized.....I would rather be alone forever than ever be with him again. Really I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I don't mean it hatefully or with anger. I just mean I am coming more and more to understand that this is the best thing I could, we could have ever done. We were totally wrong for one another and we made the worst come out in each other. Yes he did mowed the lawn but he was not a good partner for me.
Upon realizing this I felt free and grateful for a fresh start. Grateful that I get to have somewhat of a second life. And grateful I can mow my own lawn even if I am a mess at the end of it and it looks amateur:(
I think a majority of people live two lives in their lifetime. Nowadays, most are due to divorce. But still none the less, they live two lives. Divorce, drinking, death all can cause this second life. I recently have met all three types of "second lifers" and we are all so different, yet so similar in our situations of trying to figure it all out and not make the same "mistakes" as last time...
I am on to, or I should say....in my second life, but that does not mean the first didn't shape me and was for nothing. I am not trying to act like I am through it and it's all easy breezy. I don't
mean to come across cold or detached like it meant nothing to me. But I am glad it is over.

I just didn't realize how much I was living for someone else. How I was constantly putting someone else's needs above my own. And how most of all, I was not getting what I needed at all when I was really honest with myself.

It still hurts. And tonight after not crying for what seemed like forever, I cried. I had a good cry and thought about how even though this epiphany is progress....it can really feel like failure. Failure to have really not known myself, failure to have not been my own best friend, and failure to not be able to tap out when it really started to hurt and be bad for me.

But I am thankful that this is the foundation for my second life:) And I will be looking at a new mower for this new life this weekend:)....Do they come in pink? I would totally buy a pink mower....maybe I just came up with a new business idea.

6 comments:

  1. Hi Lindsey, just started following through your mom's site. I so relate to this post, as I recall mowing my own lawn after my divorce. I would walk along behind that mower, partly feeling proud of myself for handling it all, and partly being angry that I had to take care of things like this (that he used to do). It was kind of a cathartic exercise (as you found out!), as I learned to rely on myself and let the marriage go. I've now been happily married for 19 years, and have never looked back, but I know I would have been perfectly fine on my own too. You sound like a strong and very lovable young woman...you have nothing to fear!

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  2. I know some of these "growing pains" sting a bit but time has been healing most of the hurts. You've grown from this and I'm sure you will continue to do so. I'm sure you can paint (in pink) something cute on top of the mower.

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  3. OMG! If they don't make a pink mower, you should design one and have it made!

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  4. Oh yes, I bet there IS a pink one! (Most likely the the Susan G. Komen mower made by Sears..LOL!)And if you can find one, you should have it!!! The other alternative is to find yourself a mow-and-go guy so you can just enjoy working in your garden, or sitting on a lawn chair.
    Your Mama

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  5. Good for you! I too am just starting my "second life" and everything you said is totally true! I say go for a gardener.....at least for the mowing and yucky part of yardwork!

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  6. I really understand what you are saying! Even though I was the main lawnmower for all of my 32 years of marriage "he" was there to fill in and help if I asked.

    One of my first purchases after the divorce was a new lawn mower. I decided I didn't want to go buy gas and then pull that cord and hope it would start. So I ordered a cute little rechargeable battery mower - a Neuton. It was expensive, but I have loved it for many years and would replace it if it ever quits. So far I don't think it comes in pink. . .

    Or listen to your moma, hire a mow-and-go guy!

    ReplyDelete

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