We survived

So our Hood to coast was a success! Our team of 12 completed the 200 miles in just over 33 hours. It would have been about an hour faster but we had a slight mess up with a hand off on the last 6 legs. Oh well;) we survived and have spent the past 48 hours recovering, mainly from the sleep depravation.

This picture is right after my first run and Mr. Big Dog is about to start his first leg...... Around 5am!!! After getting up at 1:30 to be there for our 4:30 am start time:)

I just love that we can do things like this together. It either shows our compatibility or craziness but either way I love it.

I am now already thinking about my next challenge......but at the same time trying not to book anything in the too near future;)

Have a great day!

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Smaller than a bread box

Well if you know me, you know I can be immature and I think I am hilarious sometimes. Yesterday just happen to be one of those days. I was at the dollar store and I found these little matchbox cars.

Now, Mr. Big Dog and I have been talking about the kind of car I dream about for awhile. One of my besties has one and his good friend has a car dealership that has them often. Yes, I like the BMW X3 and X5s. They are sporty but nice and I have never had a BMW which is kind of a little fantasy for me. So as I found this little X3 matchbox car I just had to buy it.

I was thinking "what can I do with this?" So here's how it played out via phone call.

Me: "I tried to call you earlier for some serious advice and you didn't answer. So I took matters into my own hands:) I have a surprise for you:)"

Mr. Big Dog aka MBD: "oh really;) is it smaller than a bread box?"

Me: "yes"

MBD: "hum....give me another clue"

Me: "I've wanted one for awhile, it has four doors and its parked in the driveway:)"

MBD: (now this is a little panic-y......."did you buy a car?"

Me: "I'm not giving you any more hints:) when are you coming home? You can see it then."

MBD: (being a smart smart man) "you said it was smaller than a bread box, it can't be a car....is it a car?"- now he is really uncomfortable and probably thinking he is engaged to a nutcase who goes and buys and expensive car without any input from her future husband.

Me: ( trying not to laugh the entire time) "Just come home and it's in the driveway:) I can't wait for you to see it!" Meanwhile I took the little matchbox BMW and placed it next to my car outside.

MBD then called me back twice before pulling into the driveway begging for more clues. As he pulled in I could see his face was relieved to not see any form of a car. After walking back out on the driveway he found my little dream car;)

He came in laughing, and I was already rolling. I thought I was pretty funny:) And then proceeded to call my sister and mom just to brag at my hilariousness. So I now own a little silver, 4 door, BMW X3;) Sorry for the pic twice, not having a great computer morning:)

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365 really feels more like 20

I am looking forward to September since we will be done with the last of our events. I am ready to really settle into our first home together and start thinking about when I will change my last name.

It's interesting and lovely to think about the past year. Mr. Big Dog and I met a year ago tomorrow...geeze how time flies. We were actually looking back over the past year of our relationship by our version of love letters, also known as text messages. Seriously we have had the same text record going from our first one. It was fun to read when we were first dating. We found our first kiss and even our first disagreement;) And I started to think, when you find someone who was meant for you (like a puzzle piece) time just melts by. I really can't believe it's been a year.

Mr. Big Dog and I have talk about everything and nothing, and I can say there is still not a single boring second. We are still learning about each other, but it feels like we've been together for years. It's hard to explain this feeling I have for him. I still get excited when I come home from work that I get to see him. I am over the top happy when I get to spend an entire day with him. And I am really myself with him and it feels good.

He just feels like home. He feels like forever just won't be enough, and he makes me feel whole......when I didn't realize I wasn't.

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You can't pick your family

Family is not a choice. There really is no freedom in it what so ever. I mean, I know you can love people like family but really I am talking about immediate- born into-share a name-family.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. And I think we are born into families for a lot of different reasons. One reason is to have a concrete attachment to people. An attachment that no matter how hard you try or how far to move, they will always be connected to you. Connected by blood and the same genes, they are part of you. And most of the time, even when you don't get along you are forced to because of this attachment. I can remember growing up having childish disagreements with my sister and brother but always knowing they would resolve because I have an unexplainable bond with them. They are my family and I unconditionally love them. There is nothing either of them could do to ever change that, nothing.

Another reason I think we are born into these family units is to have companionship. I mean, no one can relate to you like a sibling. You endured the same ups and downs life brought along growing up, you share parents and usually houses. So even though different you share so much. There is something especially unique about a relationship with a sister or a brother. Again, this is not a choice...but rather a commitment. You are in each other's life forever, where you want to be or not. You may not talk or see one another for stretches at a time...but each knows the other is there. And I would like to think (optimistically) that no matter what turmoil or disagreement...you would still be there for one another. That blood is thicker and stronger then the worst fights, the worst situations, and the toughest of times. That really when it is all said and done, God attaches you to these special people because you DO need one another. Everyone needs someone who is somehow a part of them, whether it's a sibling, parent, cousin.....someone who shares something deeper than just a friendship or neighborhood. Someone you are part of and they are part of you. And together over years you learn from one another, depend on one another and grow together.

I didn't have a choice in picking any part of my family, but I can say with complete honesty I would pick them for myself if I had the choice.

Life is too short to not get along with family, and I'm telling you....in the end you will end up still connected with these people. You will end up needing them at some point and only they will do. So if you are not getting along with some part of your family, you might as well get over it and make up:) Because it will happen whether you like it or not, and holding anger and hate is just too exhausting. And they are your family for some deeper reason...you just might not know that reason yet:) Why else would they be YOUR family?

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The silent roar of the crowd

Forgive me now for my scattered brain with this post.....it just wrote itself, which maybe an insight to my attention span lately;)

I think I have mentioned Hood to Coast a couple times this year. But did I forget to mention I am the "team captain" again this year too? And did I just say Hood to Coast is the last weekend of THIS month? Oh my where has the time gone? I have done little to no exercise since the big bike ride. Call it busy, lazy, or just plan tired but I have not been exercising consistently. So Mr. Big Dog and I started earlier last week. I think we both ended up running 3 times this past week, which is great but it might be a little pail of water on the fire.

You know a little too late to save ourselves. My anxiety stated to fester thoughts which I hope are not true.....thoughts like us running Hood to Coast horribly and it really being a struggle every step. And as "team captain" that would really be embarrassing:( But you know that ill preparedness you can bring onto yourself by severe procrastination? Yep that's how I am/was feeling. Like I have a huge test that I was supposed to start studying for in March, but I just cracked the book in August.

Mr. Big Dog on the other hand has that natural gift of just getting off the sofa and running 7 miles. Which I think is probably just a man thing....which is just disgusting;)

Anyways, back to the roar of the crowd.....I was thinking about how you can "feel" emotions.

With my job I feel emotions all the time. I feel when people are worried for their loved one before they say a word. And I also feel when they are just happy to see their loved one.

It's hard to explain but the non verbal is so underrated. I had an amazing professor in college who taught this so well in preparing us for nursing.

She came into the classroom one day silent. She rummaged through some things on her desk and just sat silent. She had a tension she was oozing from her pores. Everyone felt it. And within minutes the entire class was silent and scared as to why she was fuming. You know, what did we do wrong?

Then she smiled and you could feel the tension just melt away.

From that class I learned how much you can read a person by just feeling them. And how contagious emotions are. How you can help ease tension by just not letting yourself feed into it. When you stay calm and really try to relax other people will too. Its really an awesome thing to be able to do to help someone or to really support someone in a tense situation. But I must say it takes conscious effort at times and it's hard to not let the anxiety become contagious:)

But back to Hood to Coast......When I went to pick up the packet at the convention center the excitement was palpable. You could feel the people in the room full of excitement and overjoyed to be able to participate in this event. It's a lottery so if you get a team it's already a lucky feeling. It will be the 30th anniversary and there are even going to be fireworks at the beach. It will be my 3rd time participating and Mr. Big Dog's first.

I was overwhelmed by my own excitement and emotions, and then I could feel everyone else emotion too in the huge convention center. I even got even more emotional as they played a clip from the Hood to Coast movie. I started crying. I started crying because even though I am not in the shape I would like for this adventure, I am grateful to have the option to run this race. I have gratitude to God to let me have the strength to run at all. I thanked God right then and there for my body, soul and mind. And I could feel the crowd getting emotional too, I saw teary-eyed people around me. And I thought, we are all so lucky to have this opportunity some others may never get.

WE GET TO RUN HOOD TO COAST, 200 miles from Mt. Hood to the beach. Something I thought would be a one time thing, 3 years ago. Something that was on my bucket list has become my annual list.....and just like that all my anxiety washed away. My mind framed changed from how I am going to to this? to How do I get the privilege to do this?

Have a great day:)

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Words like steel

Well I am a woman of my word. I think that is the one sentence I could honestly use to describe myself. This is a gift and a curse. My words are as strong and dependable as steel.

If I say I am going to do something, if I verbalize I am going to do something, then it will 100% of the time happen.

For instance, the 100 mile bike ride. Well even when I was falling apart with stress and physical exhaustion.....when I had so many reasons to quit....I did it anyways because I SAID I would. Yes the cause was great and wanted to do it, but really since I SAID I was going to do it......it was a contract with myself I would not break.

Some call it determination, some call it stubbornness, but I am just a slave to my word.

This is also a problem at times. A problem because I take on way more than I can handle by doing this. I push and push and push, which I think leads to me completing everything on my list but none of it 100% perfect or how I would like to have finished it.

I am full of hope, possibility, and excitement lately with all the changes in my life. I am thinking about everything I want to do, but I have to admit it is a little daunting.

Everything from what kind of wedding to which dishes to keep. I feel like there are so many decisions.

And what I love love love love love love about Mr. Big Dog is that he helps me make them. I am not the only one trying to plan and organize. And I also love that NONE of them have to be decided tonight, even though I feel like they have a time bomb ticking with each and every single one of them. Like they have expiration dates linked to them. I know they don't because Mr. Big Dog reminds me they don't and he talks me down off the crazy ledge when I need him to the most.

So for now, I am going to keep my mouth shut and not commit to much if anything. I'm just going to breathe and finish all of my current projects until they are all done.

The first of which is to finish emptying all the moving boxes:( Wish me luck;)

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Bittersweet

I am getting ready to move and give my little cottage to a new owner. I kept thinking it's just a house, it's just a material thing. But the closer it has gotten the more emotional it has become. It is the ending of a chapter in my life. It is a very purposeful step away from my old life. I have spent the last five years in that house. I didn't want to live there in the beginning and actually not for the first couple years. I pushed and pulled and dragged myself and him to make it a home. And for awhile it did resemble the home I thought I wanted. It looked from the outside like a loving happy couple with a cute little cottage. We together did pour sweat and tears into her, but in the end it was just four walls with a lot of clutter. And from the outside the vision was nice, but inside you could see the truth. You would see two people set far apart in constant battle. You would see two people not treating each other nicely or with love at all.

When he left, I was left with our house. And the house felt like home to me for the first time in a long time. It felt like something I could hold onto and part of me that I knew was there in that house. The house was something that wouldn't let me down, something consistent and strong. I had made her that way. So I loved her more and barricaded myself inside here for awhile. As I started to clean up the rubble of myself and tried to figure out who I was.....where I had been for 5 years I still don't know, she helped me through it all.

But as time has gone on, I think I have needed her less. I have realized home is wherever I make it. And home is also defined by the people you live with. That little cottage did it's job, it's purpose and has been a gift when I needed it most.

But now...bitter sweetly, I will let her go and continue on my path.....

She was my home alone, but now I am ready to let her go.

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