Finding a balance

The way I feel is 90% stay at home mom and 10% nurse. I work one day a week currently and that day I spend the morning with little man and leave around 2pm....missing his evening and bedtime but then home for him the next morning. This has been the format since late March. I was off from work for 7 months prior to March. 7 months. 7 months. 7 months. And frankly it was hard going back after 7 months. I felt and still feel rusty. With one day a week it's hard to really get my footing back where it was quickly.
It's hard when you have been something for 11 years full time. And not to toot my own horn by I was pretty good at it if I may say so myself. I just feel like I'm running on 80% of my old self when it comes to working as a nurse. It's there but sometimes feels like I'm moving in slow motion or trying to do it all left handed. Awkward and uncomfortable at times I am still finding my way with the balance.
When something has been such a huge part of your life and you were good at it....it's just hard to realize it's not going to be anywhere close to the same. And I really don't want to have the opposite balance. I don't want to the equation to have me fumbling even more with motherhood than I already am as a first timer.
But it's bittersweet. I know I am my worst critic. I am the hardest on myself. I want my cake and eat it too.
So I'll keep on with the one day a week for now, which I am loving even if it's sometimes a struggle:) And of course the other 6 days get better by the second...even with teeth 5 and 6 and a side of a cold:( He's still my favorite job of all....

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Running, listening, and taking it all in

Disclaimer: This picture has nothing to do with this post. I just thought it was adorable and really shows his happy morning person attitude:) This is his typical 6am wake up face:)


Anyways, there is this walking/running trail across from our house. It's about a 3 mile loop start to end. It has a creek, patches of open fields, parts that are tree covered, and then this pond at the end. I run it sometimes in the morning with little man in his stroller. Sometimes in the afternoon when he is boycotting a nap. Sometimes by myself when Mr. Big Dog is playing with little man.

It helps me reboot. It helps me clear my mind. It helps me to settle any restlessness I may be struggling with.
On the way I pass under some power lines and I hear them snap and flicker with all the neighbors turning on lights and running their dishwashers, etc. Makes my mind wander to my broken dishwasher....how I am hand washing everything until Tues when the new part comes. Thank goodness for warranties. But really it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things right? So many people are battling much bigger issues. Then I feel my feet hitting the ground step by step, my hips and knees feeling the impact of my weight slamming them step by step as I get further and further from my front door. This is the hardest part....starting. I am winded, and I start to get a side ache in my right side.
Why don't I eat better? My mind goes through the list of not so good fuel I have put into my body over the past 24 hours. But then I think "oh well at least you are out here," so many people would be if they could be. And I keep on and put on some music if I'm by myself like this morning.
I try to let my mind rest and focus on the trail and the song playing. Today I'm listening to one of my old play list.....everything from Lady A to Sugarland.
And then as usual I listen to my breathing, my feet and the music and I just take it all in.
I am fortunate for this life. For my health, my baby's health, and all the little things I take for granted
sometimes. My Mr. Big Dog and how he loves his own alone time with little man.
I say a little prayer and thank God for it all....and I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. I run freely and tell myself "look at you, you make it look easy, you could do this all day, why don't you do a half marathon, that would only be like 2 hours, what are you going to make for dinner?, will Jonah do okay in the church nursery today?" How quickly my mind turns back into chaos. I attempt to turn it off again....the air feels good at 6:30am, not too hot not too cold. I breath deep and before I know it I am heading back toward the house. My breathing is less labored and my side ache subsided. It's just me and the trail and my mind if quiet. I am thinking about nothing.
The last quarter mile is again hard and my body feels heavier than it has the past 25 mins. I start to try to push myself with one liners like " this is the last 5 mins and then you're not going to do this again until at least tomorrow," "come on you're almost done don't stop," and so on.

I realized we talk to ourselves so much it's exhausting, sometimes we purposefully listen and sometimes we don't. But the chatter is constant. And sometimes you just have to turn in off and just be.
Funny but at the end of run I think it's the easiest for me to do just that. Just to be.......even if it's just until my body rests and catches it's breath once I get back home. I just can be.
Just enough time to take it all in before life gets busy again....until the next run.

Just my mind this Sunday morning.....

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Pretty Nice Epiphany....

I have come to realize every single day I learn something. It may not be something huge but it's something. And I may take this for granted more often than not...but tonight I have a sense of gratitude for so much in my life.

This past week our little family took our first real trip together. Mr. Big Dog and I got married a year and a half ago....and met about a year and a half before that as you remember. But I had never been to his hometown with him and he had not been to mine....until recently. 

We went to Alaska. Big, Giant, Huge, Wild, Beautiful Alaska. I got to see his childhood home, which his parents still live in. I got to meet friends who really are family to him. I got to share my son with tons of people as well as watch him get spoiled from sun up to sun down by his grandparents. 

And all in all I really just sat on the sidelines and tried to take it all in. I looked at baby pictures of my husband, listened to him reminisce about how he grew up and became the man who I now share a home with. The times he got into trouble, the times he won awards, and a lot of the memories he made in Alaska.  I watched his parents play and love on our son, just taking time to really get to know him with what time we all had together on this visit. 

And through all of this, I started to think about how taking Mr. Big Dog's last name did not necessarily mean his parents had to love me or really even try to get to know me. 

Mr. Big Dog and my relationship developed and evolved at freight train speed and the distance between Vancouver, Washington and Alaska is not exactly close. It has been a conscious decision to really get to know each other.....myself with his parents and vice versa. 

And I guess I really came to feel this past week that his parents have welcomed me into their lives so lovingly.....when they really didn't have to. They have put in hours of effort to get to know me with trips to Portland, phone calls, emails, and with our new technology... sometimes Skype. It just hit me with an overwhelming gush that they really do consider me family. I am now part of their family. Not just with a last name, but with the way we are around each other. It's just becoming more and more comfortable like a nice pair of jeans. And I mean that in the most respectful loving way. Not brand new where you have to suck in your gut, but they are starting to fit better and be a little more relaxed.
Maybe it's from becoming a parent recently myself.....but our relationship just made me realize how much they love Mr. Big Dog. And of course I share that love.  And when you love someone so much you put in effort and work on things that are an important part of them.....like developing relationships with certain people.
So tonight I am grateful for my father and mother in law, who I continue to get to know visit by visit. But tonight I also feel like I understand at a much deeper level what it is to love a child throughout his/her life....and into adulthood.
I am thankful for their love and support. I am thankful for the effort they put into everything they do for us.
Our trip was amazing in many deeper than you'll ever know kinda ways;) 

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A lot of firsts and some lasts....

I was talking with another "first timer" (also know as newbie mommy) the other day and as we exchanged all of our worries, frets and most importantly our excitement over our new little guys firsts.
First smiles for her, first longer periods of sleep, first fussy afternoons for who knows what reason, etc. And my little bossman's first stair climbing, climbing up on EVERYTHING, and maybe just maybe a little sign language he didn't even know he was doing:) Wishful mommy here;)
As we talked I started to realize all of his firsts are bittersweet. Some of them are the turning point of many of his lasts.
His time he used his "recliner" (the bouncy chair), the last time I breastfed him, the last time he even squealed at our Big doggie because now the novelty has worn off and he's become part of the decor, the last time he played with certain toys......every single day he is growing and changing. We celebrated his mimicking MAMA last night at dinner and he is loving trying every kind of big people real food we eat. But there is this little part of me that cringes as he grows so fast. Just like everyone said it would happen I know I will blink and he'll be in kindergarden.
I cherish all of his first but I am also cherishing so many little lasts. He is growing up just like he is suppose to:) My little baby is becoming a little boy before my eyes. He's still cuddly and sweet and wants his mama only sometimes, but he's all boy with banging wooden spoons on bowls and waiting till you turn your back for just a second for him to B-line it to the stairs and see how far he can get before you catch him.
He even makes playful eyes at you as you chase him up the few stairs he has conquered:)  His personality continues to grow and shine through for everyone to see. I think I'll keep him for sure:)

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Such a small word but such a big deal....

/Dad/ 
Noun: One's Father. 
Synonyms: daddy-papa-father-pa-pop-poppa

Really that's all the dictionary really says? Kind of funny that such an important title really only gets a one liner in the dictionary. When I thought about what I wanted in my baby's father it was pretty simple. Unconditional love....check, respect....check, and an overall desire to want to be a dad....check for sure. I make is sound easy but really I just knew when I met Mr. Big Dog he would be great for me and my unborn children. We were on the same page with so many things, likes/interests, and children were definitely one of those things. 

Mr. Big Dog is my perfect other half. He makes me see the other side of things. He picks up where I lack. He is my missing puzzle piece for sure. But there was no way I was prepared for the father he would be, and now IS everyday before my eyes. 
His love is so genuine. His excitement to spent time with Jonah overwhelms the room sometimes. His patients and kindness always constant like the sun rising in the morning. His smile and engaging interaction with our little man really is infectious. 

He is a role model, a playmate, and is ever challenging our son and myself to be our best. Whether it's congratulating Jonah's newest milestone or asking me what the plan is for the week...he is well......he's on our TEAM. He is constantly participating in a childhood for Jonah where memories will be made, laughs shared and the best of him and his qualities will be shared. 
He is an awesome dad.....but he is really so much more, he's Jonah's dad which is just so perfect.  

Happy Father's Day to all of you out there.... I know we had a great day here and I'm sure the years will bring many many more:) 

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My first real Mother's Day

Well my little man is already 6 1/2 months old. Can you believe it? It flew by and all of the sudden I looked in the mirror and realized I AM this little boy's mother. This moment I had was surreal.  Like when you first get your driver's license and you are by yourself driving.....or when you moved into your first house as an adult, the first night you spent by yourself in it. It's this moment of.......really? I can't believe it! I am a mother...and I am THIS little boy's mother!!!which is the cherry on top. Some days I feel like I need to pinch myself because I just can't believe it still.

Asleep on the way to "our" weekly Saturday swim lessons......just a power nap before action time.



Back to being a mother.......
I don't think anyone or anything can prepare you for what it truly is to be a mother. I had no idea I would love someone so much and do absolutely anything for him. I didn't know I would have trouble sleeping if the night was extra cold outside just because I would worry he was too cold.....requiring me to sneak into his room and check the temperature. Or that I would rearrange my daily schedule just to let him sleep an extra 20mins soundly in his crib. I didn't know my Saturday night highlight would be giving him a bath and rocking him to sleep in my arms to a Disney lady and the tramp song until he gave me his unspoken cue of eye rubbing and a perfect yawn to say let's get me to my crib please.

I didn't know any of this.....but I always knew I was meant to be a mother. I just didn't know it would be of a baby made so perfectly for just for me.

When I was probably 3 months into motherhood I saw this commercial and fell to tears. I remember telling Mr. Big Dog in a blubbering mess of hormones that the TV was speaking to me. Which is funny now. Definitely not at the time...but now yes it is funny.
And I still have days where I feel like I am not very good at this mom gig, but those days are becoming fewer and farther between. I just tell myself to try again tomorrow at the end of the night, and I am trying to let go of being so hard on myself all the time.

The thing is.....I know I have earned this mother's day just like all of you other mother's out there.  And for that I am proud. I do what I do everyday because I love him and want the best for him.

And to really make it a first Mother's Day to remember we are going to run our first 5k together:) Our 5k with my little man in his stroller will be tomorrow at 830am and it's called Run like a Mother.

So happy Mother's Day to all of you out there......you are all amazing, even when you really don't feel like it........ you are doing something extraordinary:)

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I never imagined....

I never never never really thought about how Mr. Big Dog would be as a father. 

I mean of course I knew he would be good, but it's amazing how really natural and great he is at being a Daddy. Jonah lights up when he comes home and even just when he walks into the room. He looks for him when he hears his voice. He has started wrestling with him which is adorable. 

But Mr. Big Dog is so much more. He is the best teammate a girl could dream of. He helps do whatever needs to get done. He supports me with anything I need and then some. He provides for our little family. He was born to do this husband daddy thing:)
And yes, I have become one of "those people" who just talks about how awesome my baby and husband are, but you know what? They are:)
Don't get me wrong this motherhood stuff is not for the weak at heart, and I have days where I feel like I am failing at all of it. It's hard, much harder than I ever imagined. But my point is with these two on my team, I know we will get it all done and have fun doing whatever it is.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude pretty much constantly now:) I am content and happy, oh and soooo busy that I have been neglecting this blog:( But I have a great excuse.....see below:)

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