Sunday, June 20, 2010

Contreras today Buxton tomorrow...

I was born a Buxton. I remember learning to spell my last name and practicing it in Mrs. Sakimoto's kindergarten class. I remember being Lindsey B when role was called. And I remember walking the high school halls with my guy friends yelling "Buxty can you give me a ride to lunch?" Even the nickname, or some would say name calling, of "Buttskin" grew on me and became part of my identity. Your name really is like your left hand, you don't know anything else. Until of course, if you choose, you get married.

I was a Buxton much longer than a Contreras, and right now it feels comforting to be able to take my name back. I was so proud of Contreras, even though it took months for me to write it routinely and even adjust to saying it (oh and how I sounded like an idiot almost spelling it wrong over the phone for the first 4 months or so). And I loved being his wife, or at least the idea of it.

I am realizing now how much of myself I lost with that name. And in some way I have been trying to get back to this place of knowing myself and what I kind of a life I want. As I look back I don't recognize this person I had become, and had already started trying to untwist this mangled shell of me. And I think that is why I have been so busy with trips and excursions over the past 2 months. I had been looking for myself from Boise to D.C.

So, I am putting on my new old last name and I am ready to look through MY lens of life. I am on a quest to better understand myself, have way more fun, and just plain be me.

I know there will be days of crying and an utter sense of just being lost but I also know I will make it through this because I am a Buxton. And my friends and family will be here for me.

I am starting with this book: Happily Ever After written by "The" Lance Armstrong's ex-wife....

Recommended and gifted to me by a fellow survivor of the big D. But just for the record, my lost husband was and is in no comparison anything like Lance Armstrong....(you have to have some humor even at a time like this).

2 comments:

  1. Atta girl my sweet pal. We're all with you on this roller coaster ride. The ride will not last forever; some days you won't even want a ticket to ride, other days you might ride it two or three times. Just hang onto your family and friends. We're here for you - BIG TIME!

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  2. Divorce really sucks, and it's sad that you have to experience this shift in your personal tectonic plates. But you know, I respectfully disagree about your dismissal of your situation as being of no comparison to Lance Armstrong's. This is what is rotting is YOUR life, not LA's, so there IS no comparison. YOUR life is just as important as his - why would you think that it's not? I know that cancer is a horrible thing (My Mum is currently undergoing treatment for it), but that doesn't make my struggles less important than hers... they are my struggles, and therefore they are important, just as your current situation is important, because it is YOURS, LA or no LA. Keep your chin up, you will get through this. There are good days and bad days - sometimes it feels like there are only bad days! Frends and family are great supports in these stressful periods, but you know what - having YOU in your corner makes it all so much easier.

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