365 days already?!

One of my girlfriends once said to me, "I really don't know what I did before I had my little girl," "what I did with all my time, what I really enjoyed, because now she fills my days and I can't imagine life without her."
At the time I remember thinking that I just didn't get it. I mean I worked full time, I liked to shop, run, you know do "stuff." However, now a year into this mommy gig and I totally understand what she meant. He fills my days and then some. I can't imagine really a day without him at this point. I mean don't get me wrong, I like having days to run errands without him or a movie night with Mr. Big Dog. I just can't imagine how my life would feel fulfillment-wise without him. He is just like a little puzzle piece I didn't realize was missing.



So yesterday he turned a whole year old. I know! Already he is a year old. I had a good cry yesterday morning just looking through pictures and hoping I have been deliberate and present enough with him this past year. He's so much more a little boy than my baby by the day. He is sweet and loving but all boy at the same time. He loves books and banging anything to make a loud noise. He's walking and really running everywhere throughout the house. He loves to be outside.

He was made perfectly for Mr. Big Dog and I.....and just like everyone says the time with him flys by and the next thing you know they are grown. So I am continuing to take it all in everyday and love every minute....even then new stubbornness for independence and the occasional tantrum:)

Happy Birthday My little Honeyman...... you are so loved;)

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Taking a breather....

Life has been a little hectic. Baby number two has been making my whole body feel tired and out of sorts. Exhausted really until the last week or so. Mr. Big dog is helpful as usual but he has been slammed at the office and life is just full swing busy. Until this last weekend when we took a spontaneous much needed break to the beach. Little mister felt the sand for the first time and fearlessly ran to the ocean:) it was just what we needed. Like a deep breath, I think it helped us to just take a minute and really take it all in.

It renewed my gratitude for this life I've been given and that I'm living. Sometimes all you need is a little wind in your hair, sand between your toes, and of course a cute little soon to be one year old to keep you smiling:) Can you believe he's almost one??!!!!!

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Once a month is better than never at all

Well I see yet again it's been a month since I have written a word on these pages. Not that I haven't wanted to or thought about it, life just gets so busy.
Isn't that the truth? Life gets busy. Does life ever really get slow? I think back to elementary school when summers lasted forever and college when winter break seemed like months. I remember wanting to hurry up to get through parts of my life like counting down the days until I could get my ears pierced (my dad had a rule about it) and then of course my drivers license ( I was there on my birthday first test of the day!).
Looking back there was a lot of rushing to grow up and get to the next level. The next age, stage, and step my life was going toward.
Now I just feel like hours fly by, days turn into weeks, and I blink and summer's gone and fall is in the air here in the Pacific Northwest.
My little baby is turning more and more into a little boy before my eyes. He wants to feed himself, he is almost there with walking, he sometimes even leaps out of my arms for his crib as if to say "mom I got this, I don't need the rocking anymore thanks." Everyone said it would fly by but until you're in it, you really can't relate.
I cherish so many moments throughout our day. His little personality is really shinning though more and more. He loves his daddy and I have heard him say "da da" to Mr. Big Dog a handful of times. He loves to eat and play hard. He climbs on everything. He is truly full of life. He dances to any music and is always smiling....really at anyone who will make eye contact. The grocery store is always entertaining and he gets tons of people wanting to talk to him and play peekaboo or just compliment him on his smile.

It's just funny how life changes. From endless countdowns and wanting to hurry up....it's like with a blink I just want to slow down and maybe even repeat last month. He's already 10 months old....I am saying this with a wimpier :(

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Finding a balance

The way I feel is 90% stay at home mom and 10% nurse. I work one day a week currently and that day I spend the morning with little man and leave around 2pm....missing his evening and bedtime but then home for him the next morning. This has been the format since late March. I was off from work for 7 months prior to March. 7 months. 7 months. 7 months. And frankly it was hard going back after 7 months. I felt and still feel rusty. With one day a week it's hard to really get my footing back where it was quickly.
It's hard when you have been something for 11 years full time. And not to toot my own horn by I was pretty good at it if I may say so myself. I just feel like I'm running on 80% of my old self when it comes to working as a nurse. It's there but sometimes feels like I'm moving in slow motion or trying to do it all left handed. Awkward and uncomfortable at times I am still finding my way with the balance.
When something has been such a huge part of your life and you were good at it....it's just hard to realize it's not going to be anywhere close to the same. And I really don't want to have the opposite balance. I don't want to the equation to have me fumbling even more with motherhood than I already am as a first timer.
But it's bittersweet. I know I am my worst critic. I am the hardest on myself. I want my cake and eat it too.
So I'll keep on with the one day a week for now, which I am loving even if it's sometimes a struggle:) And of course the other 6 days get better by the second...even with teeth 5 and 6 and a side of a cold:( He's still my favorite job of all....

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Running, listening, and taking it all in

Disclaimer: This picture has nothing to do with this post. I just thought it was adorable and really shows his happy morning person attitude:) This is his typical 6am wake up face:)


Anyways, there is this walking/running trail across from our house. It's about a 3 mile loop start to end. It has a creek, patches of open fields, parts that are tree covered, and then this pond at the end. I run it sometimes in the morning with little man in his stroller. Sometimes in the afternoon when he is boycotting a nap. Sometimes by myself when Mr. Big Dog is playing with little man.

It helps me reboot. It helps me clear my mind. It helps me to settle any restlessness I may be struggling with.
On the way I pass under some power lines and I hear them snap and flicker with all the neighbors turning on lights and running their dishwashers, etc. Makes my mind wander to my broken dishwasher....how I am hand washing everything until Tues when the new part comes. Thank goodness for warranties. But really it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things right? So many people are battling much bigger issues. Then I feel my feet hitting the ground step by step, my hips and knees feeling the impact of my weight slamming them step by step as I get further and further from my front door. This is the hardest part....starting. I am winded, and I start to get a side ache in my right side.
Why don't I eat better? My mind goes through the list of not so good fuel I have put into my body over the past 24 hours. But then I think "oh well at least you are out here," so many people would be if they could be. And I keep on and put on some music if I'm by myself like this morning.
I try to let my mind rest and focus on the trail and the song playing. Today I'm listening to one of my old play list.....everything from Lady A to Sugarland.
And then as usual I listen to my breathing, my feet and the music and I just take it all in.
I am fortunate for this life. For my health, my baby's health, and all the little things I take for granted
sometimes. My Mr. Big Dog and how he loves his own alone time with little man.
I say a little prayer and thank God for it all....and I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. I run freely and tell myself "look at you, you make it look easy, you could do this all day, why don't you do a half marathon, that would only be like 2 hours, what are you going to make for dinner?, will Jonah do okay in the church nursery today?" How quickly my mind turns back into chaos. I attempt to turn it off again....the air feels good at 6:30am, not too hot not too cold. I breath deep and before I know it I am heading back toward the house. My breathing is less labored and my side ache subsided. It's just me and the trail and my mind if quiet. I am thinking about nothing.
The last quarter mile is again hard and my body feels heavier than it has the past 25 mins. I start to try to push myself with one liners like " this is the last 5 mins and then you're not going to do this again until at least tomorrow," "come on you're almost done don't stop," and so on.

I realized we talk to ourselves so much it's exhausting, sometimes we purposefully listen and sometimes we don't. But the chatter is constant. And sometimes you just have to turn in off and just be.
Funny but at the end of run I think it's the easiest for me to do just that. Just to be.......even if it's just until my body rests and catches it's breath once I get back home. I just can be.
Just enough time to take it all in before life gets busy again....until the next run.

Just my mind this Sunday morning.....

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Pretty Nice Epiphany....

I have come to realize every single day I learn something. It may not be something huge but it's something. And I may take this for granted more often than not...but tonight I have a sense of gratitude for so much in my life.

This past week our little family took our first real trip together. Mr. Big Dog and I got married a year and a half ago....and met about a year and a half before that as you remember. But I had never been to his hometown with him and he had not been to mine....until recently. 

We went to Alaska. Big, Giant, Huge, Wild, Beautiful Alaska. I got to see his childhood home, which his parents still live in. I got to meet friends who really are family to him. I got to share my son with tons of people as well as watch him get spoiled from sun up to sun down by his grandparents. 

And all in all I really just sat on the sidelines and tried to take it all in. I looked at baby pictures of my husband, listened to him reminisce about how he grew up and became the man who I now share a home with. The times he got into trouble, the times he won awards, and a lot of the memories he made in Alaska.  I watched his parents play and love on our son, just taking time to really get to know him with what time we all had together on this visit. 

And through all of this, I started to think about how taking Mr. Big Dog's last name did not necessarily mean his parents had to love me or really even try to get to know me. 

Mr. Big Dog and my relationship developed and evolved at freight train speed and the distance between Vancouver, Washington and Alaska is not exactly close. It has been a conscious decision to really get to know each other.....myself with his parents and vice versa. 

And I guess I really came to feel this past week that his parents have welcomed me into their lives so lovingly.....when they really didn't have to. They have put in hours of effort to get to know me with trips to Portland, phone calls, emails, and with our new technology... sometimes Skype. It just hit me with an overwhelming gush that they really do consider me family. I am now part of their family. Not just with a last name, but with the way we are around each other. It's just becoming more and more comfortable like a nice pair of jeans. And I mean that in the most respectful loving way. Not brand new where you have to suck in your gut, but they are starting to fit better and be a little more relaxed.
Maybe it's from becoming a parent recently myself.....but our relationship just made me realize how much they love Mr. Big Dog. And of course I share that love.  And when you love someone so much you put in effort and work on things that are an important part of them.....like developing relationships with certain people.
So tonight I am grateful for my father and mother in law, who I continue to get to know visit by visit. But tonight I also feel like I understand at a much deeper level what it is to love a child throughout his/her life....and into adulthood.
I am thankful for their love and support. I am thankful for the effort they put into everything they do for us.
Our trip was amazing in many deeper than you'll ever know kinda ways;) 

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A lot of firsts and some lasts....

I was talking with another "first timer" (also know as newbie mommy) the other day and as we exchanged all of our worries, frets and most importantly our excitement over our new little guys firsts.
First smiles for her, first longer periods of sleep, first fussy afternoons for who knows what reason, etc. And my little bossman's first stair climbing, climbing up on EVERYTHING, and maybe just maybe a little sign language he didn't even know he was doing:) Wishful mommy here;)
As we talked I started to realize all of his firsts are bittersweet. Some of them are the turning point of many of his lasts.
His time he used his "recliner" (the bouncy chair), the last time I breastfed him, the last time he even squealed at our Big doggie because now the novelty has worn off and he's become part of the decor, the last time he played with certain toys......every single day he is growing and changing. We celebrated his mimicking MAMA last night at dinner and he is loving trying every kind of big people real food we eat. But there is this little part of me that cringes as he grows so fast. Just like everyone said it would happen I know I will blink and he'll be in kindergarden.
I cherish all of his first but I am also cherishing so many little lasts. He is growing up just like he is suppose to:) My little baby is becoming a little boy before my eyes. He's still cuddly and sweet and wants his mama only sometimes, but he's all boy with banging wooden spoons on bowls and waiting till you turn your back for just a second for him to B-line it to the stairs and see how far he can get before you catch him.
He even makes playful eyes at you as you chase him up the few stairs he has conquered:)  His personality continues to grow and shine through for everyone to see. I think I'll keep him for sure:)

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