God's will? Or a little personal will? It's just an epic battle.....

Lately, I have been trying to not let stress get me too riled up. But it is so easy to do when you loose faith even a little. I'm in this constant battle in my head with "everything happens as it's supposed to" and "oh no! maybe I should do A, B, and C in hopes I get D!"
I'm sure it's normal to have a little bit of anxiety when you're pregnant. Like stress about whether or not I will work full time once the baby comes? should we try to renovate the bathroom before the bundle gets here? NAMES?!!!! Will I be a good mom? the list goes on and on......

 But really when I sit back and think....."you know if you just relax, it will all be okay."  I know I let more of GOD's will in, and I don't have to make these bigger decisions alone. I know everything I have EVER forced, did not work out. I have learned a lot the hard way and also sometimes the more painful way. And I know I can handle whatever is thrown my way with the support of GOD and my husband.

That does not mean this is not a daily battle. And I now am realizing I worry about the wrong things.
Like what people will think about my decisions. Like what people will think about OUR decisions. I have people in my life that can be judgmental and don't necessarily think letting things just "happen" is the way approach certain life decisions.

 But I do know that just because I don't have kids, doesn't mean I don't know anything....but sure I can learn a thing or two:)

 Just because financially I can stay at home with my baby....doesn't mean I necessarily will full time....who knows how and what situation my family will be in 6 months from now, plus the 3 month maternity leave is actually 9 months:) Oh and Mr. Big Dog gets paternity leave too, so if we overlap who knows how long till I really would have to address this. Plus NOTHING is permanent:) My point is this stress if for nothing because no decision needs to be made right this second:)

 Whatever name I choose will be perfect.

 The bathroom is just another room in my house at the end of the day.

People can judge me all they want, but in the end I really only care about how I look in one person's eyes......GOD.
I know if I do the best I can, let His will happen, then everything will always be as it's supposed to be.
Now if only I could truly live this motto second to second, oh the stress I would eliminate!
Oh well, I am only human:) And all I can do, is the best I can do:)

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Somethings are so much better shared

Well I don't think I mentioned yet it but my sissy is pregnant too:) She's about 6 weeks ahead of me with my soon to be newest nephew. We are so excited to have another set of little boy feet running around. And if anyone can handle 3 boys, it will be my sister. We had a great Easter morning over at my mom's today and my sister and I did our first belly shot together!

It's funny how when you're younger you think about things like your sister always living close by and maybe someday you having kids around the same time. And then life happens and you realize this is really not a realistic fantasy and the chances of it happening are not that likely.
My sister and I have always been close, she came to Portland a year after me and attended the same college. We've been able to live somewhat close to each other now for the past 5 years, and even closer since my latest move. But here we are and we are both going to be pregnant together:) It's starting to really sink in as we took our first dual belly shot on Easter morning. How much fun to be pregnant with your sister?!!!
I can't wait (remind me I said this later) so be in our last trimesters this summer together, hopefully by the pool with her other little men:)
I think now that we are both getting further along our guards are more relaxed and we can really start to enjoy being pregnant together. She'll definitely have a lot of sisterly advice I will take as I prepare for my first little bundle. And we can also lament together about our swelling bodies and most likely encourage each others worst food cravings:)
I mean, what else are sisters for anyways? I just love her:)

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It's growing

So we hit a mile marker and turned 12 weeks on Friday:) I personally think this picture makes me look more pregnant then I look in person but Mr. Big Dog disagrees as he rubs the bump daily:) ( I don't know if that is a good thing, or bad thing but it's pretty cute).
We are going to start taking pictures every week to document the bump growth. It's hard to explain, except "weird." I mean your body just takes off and starts doing its own thing on autopilot. My hunger pains have slowed, thank god and my energy seems to be increasing:) My headaches (knock on wood) have not happened in over 2 weeks!!! And I'm really starting to feel like I CAN DO THIS attitude coming it. It's funny because before I got pregnant I was lamenting to Mr. Big Dog about how I NEEDED something to do. You know, something to train for....a half marathon, another bike ride, a new job, etc. I needed something challenging and physical. And I do realize I do better with constant chaos and a schedule (like that 100 mile bike ride gave me) but nothing seemed to be really jumping out at me at the time. And I even remember joking with him and saying, "well if I get pregnant I guess that will be like my marathon....I mean you are training for 9 months and it's physical." And we both laughed. And now here we are 3 months into my newest adventure, and he's part of the ride:) Which makes it so much better.
I just feel blessed all around. Blessed for my husband, blessed to have a job, blessed to not have too much stress in my life and now blessed to be able to become a mommy. I've wanted kids for a as long as I can remember. I was the big sister to two siblings, I always had a baby doll, and I became the neighborhood babysitter really more for fun with the bonus of cash. I watched my sister experience it up close and my brother with his wife, but it's just not enough or the same to watch it from the side seat. I am so excited to experience it......
We got to hear the heartbeat a couple weeks ago and it was this surreal moment of everything being so "right" in my life. Just this little tap on my shoulder from god to say, "hey, remember I told you it would all work out and your life would be so much better." And I swear he even added a little laugh, like you silly girl:) I couldn't help but smile and think about how much I have been given and how I just want to cherish every single second of it:)

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Sometimes we are crankiest to the ones we love the most....

Well I think I have had a good day of 100% hormones and just unexplained emotional roller coaster.
It started with having to really face head on that I do not fit into any of my pants anymore. Yes this is due to the creation of life, but still its hard to really wrap my head around. I've said before I wasn't raised in the healthiest family in regards to eating habits and exercise. And I really have had to make a conscious effort over the past 3 years to be active and push myself to probably the best physical shape I have ever been in. Now with all this being said, I have not done a single second of exercise since I read that little extra pink line on the pregnancy test. I think I have gained 10lbs (this seems to depend on the time of day and the scale), I think at least 5 of which is in my chest....but that does not make clothes on top any easier to fit:(
So after 3 outfit changes, I crammed myself into a not so pretty ensemble for an early Easter egg hunt with my nephews:) Only after almost crying twice due to this.
Pregnancy is so much harder on me physically than I would have ever imagined. I have had barely enough energy to get up sometimes and then by 3pm I hit this wall and just want to crawl into bed. And when I do try to push it, and get moving....its amazing how short of breath I already am at 11weeks.
I have moments where I just want to go on a run.....I made it as far as the driveway a couple weeks ago and then just couldn't do it. Just blah with a side of exhaustion:(
And I keep hearing this crack train is going to hit in the 2nd trimester and I will be rearing to go again:) That all this energy will come out of no where...so I am waiting, waiting, waiting:)
I have things to do:)
1. Paint the nursery (don't worry I took before pictures to show)
2. Possibly paint this crib one of my friends gave us
3. Maybe find some other pieces of needed furniture....changing table, dresser
4. oh and catch up on the last 11 weeks of housework I feel like I have not been helping with:) (Thanks hubby:)  )
So today I was not my prettiest physically or emotionally to a couple of the key people in my life:( And I know it is exhaustion mixed with hormones......no one could say anything "right" until about 6 o'clock tonight:) And tomorrow is a new day, new hormones, and hopefully the real Lindsey will be back bright and early. But I know, they will love me though this........because I know they love me the most too.

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What's going on? And why am I soooo MIA???

Well first off I have to praise my husband for being the best thing in the world, on this planet and definitely my better half in my house as of lately. He is amazing. He is so supportive of me, even when he thinks he's not. He also has a gift of gently putting me in my place when I need it:) Which thankfully I hope is not too terribly often. He reminds me that I am human and I expect too much of myself at all times:) Which is true, and I need to hear a lot lately.

This blog has been neglected out of #1 exhaustion, #2 painful migraines, and when I am feeling good I am trying to make up for lost time and hours from cause #1 and #2.

We went on our honeymoon last week to Hawaii which was a blast, exhausting, and romantic all wrapped into one big week (see beautiful photo above). The Big Island was our destination and I will have home made videos produced by my hubs shortly. By the way I am almost always the sole star of these videos since he likes to film constantly..so watch for eye rolling and my lack of me wanting to participate...this is because the camera was on for what seemed like a continuous amount of time....pointed at just me:) Thank you Mr. Big Dog:)

However, we are not the only two people in this picture above. Yes, our little family will be turning into 3 as of October:) Which is the ultimate cause of #1, #2 and my overall lack of blogging abilities. I can't believe it happened so fast, I can't believe how much and how fast it takes over your body, and I can't believe how blessed we feel. I know many of my friends have struggled with fertility and I was warned it could take months. Then bam here we are ready or not:) But excited is an understatement.... Even if my body has not been screaming it, I swear my heart and mind are over the moon:)

However, I am still adjusting and haven't even gotten our wedding album done yet. So to say I am feeling behind is an understatement. Oh well, life takes you at the speed which you are suppose to be going....not necessarily how fast you think it should be:)

Today we got to hear the heartbeat for the very first time, it was amazing:) And at the moment Mr. Big Dog...aka now soon to be Big Daddy and I are thinking we are not going to find out the gender of our little bundle of joy. I think it adds some surprise and even more fun to the already exciting journey. What do you think? My sissy is not happy by this AT ALL:( She's definitely more of a planner:) I love a good surprise remember:) But I don't know, I think it might keep me on my toes till the very end........

Insight? Advice? I'm all ears.........

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Overdue Shout Out To God

Lord, I have never felt so out of control in my life. I mean this in the utmost surrender kind of way. I know this life has been given to me by you and I have the will to do what I want with it, but I again you are the one driving this bus.

I have faith and know that you give me what you know I need and what I can handle in the perfect timing of when I can handle it and need it.

I may have said over the years, "everything happens for a reason" and "it's his will, not mine" but really when you start to see everything line up in your life and become your dreams it really is overwhelming. It is so beautiful and wonderful but so scary all at once.....to feel the faith you have had is really being proven.

I have watched my sister and brother both find their partners early on, as I took another path against your unspoken guidance even with all the glaring warnings you flared at me. But you still loved and supported me through it and helped me to the other side.

I have always wanted to be a wife. To have a partner I can share everything with, someone who really gets me and loves me unconditionally. You have now given me all of this.

I have watched my sister and brother start little families with babies over the past years, and I craved and wanted it all so much for myself. I love them all with as much as I can, but still I hoped and prayed someday I would get the chance to experience it all myself.

As I watched from a far, everything else in my life seemed to fall apart. And when I sat in the rubble I hoped and prayed that you could help me find something better. You did.

All my dreams and hopes are being given to me, and there is no one who can convince me it is not you doing the work. You loving me and making it all happen. It happened so quick, it feels like overnight. I look at myself in the mirror and have to pinch myself sometimes. To feel this happy and be so content. To be so excited to live and see what is coming next.

And I know it is all your will and plan, and that things can change. But I trust in you that you know what is best for us.

Thank you is no where close to enough, I am so blessed.....we are so blessed.

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Bitter sweet

I had her for 11 years and 134,000 miles. I think I may be the only one in my family to keep a car to long. She was reliable and good to me. And now she is going to be a blessing to another family.

I didn't realize how attached I was to her until we got the call today that she sold. It funny how a car is such a huge part of your life and how much you depend on them. I have a lot of memories with that car, but I am ready to let her go.

On to the next chapter.....

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