What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger....right?

Well I am proud to say: Today I rode 66 miles for leukemia, lymphoma, myeloma, and Hodgkin's with my team. But I really can not believe how hard this is and has been.

I think this is the hardest physical thing I ever done. I mean ever. And mentally as well....you know the saying "do something everyday that scares you." Well I think that goes hand in hand with this training.

I am not being dramatic, I am not exaggerating. I have been scared to the highest level so far in my 31 year old life several times with this training. Like going 38 mph on a bike down a very curvy road with no bike lane and cars wishing by you. This was a couple rides back. But I had a physical reaction to the point of shaking once I reached the bottom of the hill, but I never quit and never stopped. Since then I have been getting used to the speed and inclines with practice but I have still been scared. Scared that I can't finish this undertaking I have signed up for. Scared that I got in over my head. Scared I will let my team down but not pulling my weight physically or financially but making the minimum fundraising amount.

But I have not quit or stopped, I just keep plugging along. And I can tell you this has not been easy. I have been near tears or in tears several times. But I just keep trying.

And days like today, when I finish 66 miles against my mind saying NO and my body shaking and wanting to quit.....I did not and I did it.

And weeks like last week, when I was at 2,100 dollars towards my minimum of 3,600....I pulled in another 1,000 dollars with cupcakes and more supporters donating.

This just shows...where there's a will...there will always be a way.

So I am more confident tonight that I am getting stronger and this ride will not kill me. I will meet my fundraising goal by my ride. And will all this hard work and determination I will be a better Lindsey for sure.

But as for tonight: I am so tired I could cry, I can barely walk with soreness, and I do still have another 500 dollars minimum to push for:) But if offered leukemia or 100 miles on a bike, I know what the anyone would choose. So I will continue riding;)

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Bump in the night

Mr. Big Dog and I had a late night visitor at his house the other night. First we heard two gun shots (he lives in a more rural area....kinda out in the country but in the city), which Mr. Big Dog (MBD) promptly in his manly fashion had to run outside to check out. I was peeking out the window, IPhone in hand ready to call 911 for any sort of foul play. I was thinking murder, he was thinking varmints I guess.

And what did he find but a large (probably 20lbs) possum dying in the front flower bed. Who knows what happened, our theory was the neighbor must have shot him for some reason. It was sad and gross.

I come from city life, real city life. Seeing a dog die is about as close to animal death as I have been. And that's more of a pet thing. I did have to call someone to come and deal with raccoons last summer, really I know they met an untimely death...but it wasn't at my hands.....it was critter control. Thank god for critical control, because this areas is just not one of my strongest points.

Mr. Big Dog on the other hand, has been hunting and grew up in Alaska..which automatically makes him less city and more country just by the shear lack of people up there. Or I guess the ratio of land to people is greater so they are more spread out.....which in my mind means more wild animals.....this is just my theory;) Either way, he has had more experience with this sort of dead wild animal thing.

So MBD had to deal with the possum all alone, since there is no way I could have.

And it may sound weird but it got me to thinking deeper. About how I think we each have strengths and weaknesses. This goes for every single person. And when you are half of a couple, it nice to see that you can depend on your other half for your weaknesses.

Maybe your strength its that you do better with less sleep, can multi task four things at once, and know how to cook an amazing meatloaf.....while your other half can organize anything down to minutes or pennies, can fix anything, and can talk you off a stress ledge 7 stories high within minutes.

I guess the poor dead possum just made me realize yet again, how great Mr. Big Dog is......how nice it is to have him as part of my life. For the good, bad and the grossly ugly;)

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Need I say more?

This picture was after 12 hours at work, and 12 hours of already selling 20 dozen baby cakes for LLS that day. My mom pretty much single handedly did the batch the day before but since they were such a huge success. I came home and made more. I even look crazy in the picture. I actually sold out by 12:30!

The cupcakes were a huge hit and I am happy to say I am about 700 dollars closer to my fundraising goal:) All it took was mom's help, determination, sleep deprivation and lots of sugar;)

Mr. Big Dog helped out tremendously by picking up some baked ones from my mom and then by assembling them all in their cute little boxes once I was done with manic frosting. He hadn't seen me in crazy mode yet (you know how you can get with stress and only people really close get to see your evil twin...well lets just say this smile was forced by him needing to document my craziness). And Rachel (my evil twin) only made a brief appearance.

But overall, it was well worth it. It was a lot of work but it gave a quick jump start to my goal of 3,600 by the end of May.

So....for Easter I will definitely NOT be having any cupcakes, I'm a little sick of the cute little things:( But I'm sure that won't last too long:)

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Lots to do with little time:(

My day was supposed to be organized and calm but all fell apart and has been duct taped back together...... gotta love life sometimes:)

Birthday breakfast with a friend....check

Visited my 97 year old friend in the hospital with a broken pelvis.....check

240 cupcakes for sale tomorrow thanks to my mom saving me with my lack of time.......check

Mandatory Auntie Patrol due to a very sick sister....check

Meeting for two hours for work......coming soon

And then more cupcakes for Saturday.......hopefully I will get to go to sleep at some point tonight

Oh how I am my mother's daughter......everything happens at the same time!

Wish me luck and energy!!!! I'm hoping to make a dent in my fundraising goal for LLS with my cupcake sales!!!

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The Balloon Races on my mind at 3 am

When my family first moved to Reno, Nevada I remember going as a family to the annual Great Reno Balloon Races. We got up in what felt like the middle of the night, but really was probably more like 4 am to throw on clothes, get donuts and hot coco and head to the only real park I remember in Reno (in Portland there seems to be a park every other block) Rancho San Rafael park. It was always chilly, since it's in early September. We would take our little sleeping bags (I had this cool Michael Jordan sleeping bag at the time, since my short lived basketball career was at it's height).

We would put down a blanket, all get into our sleeping bags and I would fall back asleep until the dawn patrol would start ( you really can find ANYTHING on Utube).

The balloons would begin to light up with heat and air filling them, we would cheer and count down. The music is the same every single year. The utube video is a little short, as you don't get to hear the "up up and away" hit that would blare as all of the other balloons start to take off. And really that song was probably only written for such an event, I mean what else on earth would you play it for? Use caution with watching that clip because it is one of those songs that can easily be stuck in your head for over 24 hours:(

Anyway, my favorite balloon (hands down) was always the Mr. Peanut:)

We would sit in awe of the balloons all taking off at dawn. Then we would drive home, all the while watching all the balloons fill the air above the city. With up, up and away stuck in our heads. Watching the balloons for hours litter the sky.

Why am I thinking about this? Because I can't sleep for some odd reason....

Just a snapshot of my brain......odd place sometimes;) I guess being up at this hour reminds me of that memory. Maybe I should go this year for old times sake.....

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I can see clearly now the rain is gone...

Lately I have been having a lot of surreal thoughts. I mean a year ago at this time I was at an entirely different place in my life. Physically this time last year I was actually in Idaho surprising my long time friend for his 30th birthday. The look on his face was priceless, especially after not seeing him for over 5 years!

I, personally, was dreading turning 30 last year. I came back to town from Idaho and only a few short days later was completely surprised by a party my sister and family had planned weeks for. And my long time friend was even there......after I had just been at his surprise party days before.

But it's weird. Can life change that much in just a year? I mean really 365 days can be so far away and so different. I had a different life. I had a different name. I had different outlook and thoughts about everything. I think I had buried a lot of dreams, and given up on myself and compromised a lot of what I really wanted.

Back to the surreal thoughts.....I guess it's comforting and disturbing to me. I mean disturbing that life can change so quickly. It can get turned upside down with the snap of your fingers. It can all change with a phone call or a conversation. It can change forever.

But on a comforting level, nothing has to stay the way it is. You can be a different person in less than 365 days. It may take 300 days for you to be at a completely different, much happier place. The good, bad and the ugly can all change within minutes, hours, and days. 304 have made the world of difference for me.

So if your out there, feeling down and overwhelmed by some of the ugly life can throw you....I'm proof that you can put happier times on your calendar. You will get through it and you will look back and be better for it. ( I know a lot of annoying people told me I would, and I didn't believe them) But I can see clearly now the rain is gone.... ( check out those clothes!)

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Such a find:) Hello Cupcake on Etsy

First of all. If you haven't been on Etsy, get on there today (of course after you read my blog;)).

But really it's funny how many of my friends are Etsy addicts after the baby shower I threw in late January. Every single gift I gave was from Etsy. It was funny, the oohs and ahhhhhhs followed by "Where did you get that?" and every single time my response was "on Etsy" and "oh a girl from New York on Etsy" or "a girl in London on Etsy." Seriously it is the best website/shopping addiction ever. You can find truly thoughtful, unique, one of a kind stuff everywhere on Etsy. And I do, OFTEN. I like the idea of supporting small businesses, mainly women out there making often handmade quality items. And the creativity is amazing! The ideas and the flexibility to email the seller directly and tweak items to be even more perfect and personalized for you.

So you all know I have been working on my fundraising for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society a lot as of late and my goal of 3600 dollars seems so far away. I am starting to panic in my true Lindsey fashion, which I think again is a trait from dear old Mum:) (sorry mom, I'm just saying) but I do love you:)

Thoughts of "oh my goodness what have I committed to" and "how do people do this?!!" are starting to slip into my mind. I am not as much worried about the physical aspect of the 100 miles, that seems nothing compared to the 1900 dollars I have yet to raise.

I keep finding I am in situations where I am telling someone about my cause and then don't really have something on hand to give them to nicely remind them later to get online and donate to LLS on my site.

So..... I needed some thank you cards for my awesome family and friends who have donated thus far:) Thanks again everybody!

So on to Etsy I went:) Something with a bike was my plan. Of course I was not disappointed.

Gosh I love that place. That is where I found Hello Cupcake, who also has a fabulous blog.

Anyways, I found Hello Cupcake (such an adorable name too! It was calling to me) and she has these awesome sets called "job seekers kits" on her Etsy page. Again such a creative idea! So then then she tailored this kit to my needs for my LLS fundraising. Instead of resume papers, I did more thank yous. Instead of business cards I did calling cards with my LLS web page on them. And the return labels are so perfect I was squealing as I addressed my cards for mailing.

And most importantly I will have a little cute card to hand off quickly to anyone I am gabbing on and on to about Leukemia and my 100 mile bike ride. Priceless, yet so affordable thanks to Hello Cupcake. Aren't they sooo cute???!!!

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Cupcakes for LLS!!

My creative mom and I brainstormed and came up with these babies for an Easter fundraiser for my ride in June. The link again is: http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/ambbr11/lbuxton If you were wondering that is:) My goal is 3,600 for LLS! And I am about halfway there thanks you a lot of you out there:)

Get a sweet treat just in time for Easter, and help Lindsey with her fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society! As part of her efforts to reach her goal of $3,600. for LLS, we came up with the grand idea of baking up some of our yummy lil' Baby-cakes and packaging them in the cutest pastel colored egg cartons you've ever seen.

Orders will be available for pick-up (or delivered to the hospital) on Friday, April 22nd and Saturday, April 23rd.

To place your order...

Email Lindsey at LindseyNBuxton@gmail.com or call Tracey: 775-813-8763

Price per dozen: $15

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Reached the halfway point, but it also was my breaking point

I constantly seem to run myself physically into the ground with exhaustion. It takes me about 2-3 months of constantly over doing it and then I hit the wall. Today may have been my wall.

Today is the day I rode 52.2 miles in the rain, hail, and lots of wind. Last weekend's ride seems a faint much more pleasant memory. I mean yes it was 50 miles but looking back it wasn't horrible. I wasn't terribly sore and I actually did have an enjoyable experience overall (that being 3/4 of the ride, 1/4 was an ugly hill that I had to channel a much higher power in order to overcome). One of the differences between the two rides seems to be my mind, forget the bad weather.

I worked the past 4 days, 12 hour shifts.....48 hours of 96 hours were at work. I worked hard physically but a lot more mentally. I took care of a women in her 50' who suffered a cardiac arrest. Her sister did her best with CPR but after more than 4 minutes without oxygen to your brain it gets damaged. She was without a pulse for 5-10 min's. I cared for her optimistically hoping for a miracle for the last two days of my shift.

Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up.... chiming in my head. It takes time after an event like this to know for sure if someone has suffered brain damage or if their brain will recover. So for the past two days I worked with doctors and did everything I could to increase her odds of recovery. And waited. And waited. I have seen this scenario go both directions. The miracle, as well as the horrible devastating ending.

Her kids are my age and were just as much my patients the past two days. When they cried I would try to comfort them, I wanted her to wake up as much as they did.

An hour before I was leaving work for my stretch off, my patient began to have a seizure. A significant sign that her brain is in fact severely damaged. And over last night, it was confirmed she was too severely brain damaged to recover.

Now back to exhaustion and my bike ride......I think the emotional drain of all of this, physically left me with nothing for my ride today. I gave everything I had over the past two days to my patient and her family. I held it in trying not to affect my personal life, trying to keep it separate.

This is a constant challenge, but I am only human.

I try to use biking and running to get past things like this experience. But I think I am learning the hard way that I still over do it when I have work situations that hurt. I overdo it by trying to just jump on a bike and push through. Instead of taking time out to let it hurt and rest.

I know I can ride 50miles, probably further. But when my mind is overloaded with "I wonder how her kids are?" my energy seems gone before I start.

I think ultimately this is why the last 5 miles I wanted to cry. I was miserable every single mile. And nothing could shake my bad attitude of wanting to quit, but I did finish against my mind and body trying to stop.

The weather was horrible, I was so tired, and overall not mentally there for most of the ride.

So today I had a good cry, drank a lot of water and vegged out on the sofa with my puppies for the afternoon. I thought about her family and friends, and how I know I will not ever understand the rhyme or reason for things like this happening. But I do know I can't push through them, and somedays you just aren't mentally stable enough to ride 52 miles on a bike without a serious struggle....making it feel more like 200 miles.

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