I'm trying, really I'm trying

People all over the place are fighting some kind of battle right? Unemployment, infertility, loss of some kind or another. Life is hard sometimes, and sometimes it seems like all the negative things are happening at the same time or back to back.
Our household has been sick on and off, but pretty much on since New Years eve. Mr. Big Dog's work has been heavy. I have been seeing how two days a week working at my big girl job as a nurse feels and works with our little family since February. And littlest mister turned ONE last week (more on that in another post). It's been busy as life is and can be. Really I like busy. I like having a little bit of chaos. I'm one of those people who functions better with more on my plate. Give me one thing and I may never get it done, give me 15 and they'll be done by noon. Just how I'm made.

But what I am not made for, what I am not good at, what I do not enjoy, is being held back and down.

I like to participate and not be on the sidelines. I like to help and not be helped. I like to give and not take so much. And I really don't like having this be the situation with my two little guys being my primary job everyday. I stay home 95% and when I'm down it doesn't work well for our TEAM.

A week ago I spend the day in the ER with an angry gallbladder and then yesterday had to have it taken out. Did I also say nurses and probably mothers are the worst patients? Well we are. The procedure was easy peasy quick down and dirty, but the recovery not so much. I'm suppose to relax, take a load off, recuperate.

But all I can think of is all that needs to be done, all I can't do, and how much I don't want to make any lemonade. A pity party you can call it. Which I hope is dissipating as I put these words online here. I need an attitude adjustment or a magic wand, and I really think a wand is never gonna happen.

So maybe I'll actually write more with this forced horrible vacation......maybe GOD thinks I need this forced break.....so here's to lemonade :)

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Where has the time gone?

It's been WAY too long since I've posted. I can blame being busy with my 2 wild boys but really I think I also have been in a little bit of blog block. I've tried to write a couple times but no words have come to land on these pages. And my mind is kind of like what I picture someone with A.D.D to be like currently.....example:
Note to self: I need a new header picture on this blog. Gotta add Windex to my grocery list....wait I swear I bought Windex at Target. Did I call and make Miah's doctor appt? The clothes need to go in the dryer. Why do I not have a decent family picture of us as a family of 4? Oh no, I'm gonna blink and have no pictures of us all together and the boys will be 30. Where is that Windex?

Seriously, this is how my mind is lately. So when it comes to this blog I guess I've just been blocked and distracted at the same time. Nothing holding my attention long enough to actually write.

Motherhood is good and exhausting. I can't even stand how adorable Jeremiah is and he's starting to be a little mischievous lately. He likes to turn on the bathtub facet he can reach in our bathroom. I tell him no sweetly and he just smiles and turns in on and off with this little glimmer in his eye. I also think my heart might explode when the two of them play together. Jonah is so gentle with him but they chase each other around the kitchen as I make dinner almost every single night. Jonah asks "wheres Jer-e-Miah?" Constantly if he's napping......and that is exactly how he says it.

Jonah is still obsessive with books....he goes through withdrawals if we don't make and appearance at the library at least once a week, and this mama starts to get a little coo coo as well since I can only read a book 50 times before I start feeling crazy. Miah is getting a little more into books but really he is more interested in big brother and likes to point and climb on everything. He's figured out how to thrash just right when you're holding him so that he gets put down quick, then he is practically running with his Frankenstein like arms ahead of him to any electrical outlet, facet (as I mentioned earlier), or staircase as quickly as possible. I think he really thinks this is his job, to try to get to any of these things before being apprehended by me or Mr. Big Dog. My relentless little Tugboat.

So really that's where I've been, that's where I'll be and hopefully I won't be on as long of a hyades between now and my next post........

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730 days already

I can't believe he's two today. He's growing too fast. Lightning speed and to match he is a whirlwind of endless energy and constant conversation. He's sweet, observant and so interested in everything life has to offer. He made me a mama and has given me the lesson of slowing down to see the world through his new eyes everyday.
Things like trees dancing and ants climbing on the garage door are part of a daily reminder he gives me to slow down and appreciate it all.

Happy Birthday Jonah Matthew. I am thankful for you everyday and thankful you made me a mama.

We love you!!!

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Growing pains

Life gets busy and hectic quickly lately. It's hard to remember what day it is and all the sudden another week has blown by. This is such a short and busy season and it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with Jonah. Now Miah is half a year old. 

This time is sweet but hard. Hard to get anything done on a do list. But not hard to just sit and play with them. Hard to not feel guilty about not cleaning or having dinner on the table, but feeling good about how much time I am present with these two. 

The growing pains I am feeling are that of fitting snugly into this title of mother, wife, partner, side kick, nurse, woman, daughter, sister, daughter in law, and friend. It's a lot to accomplish. 

Sometimes I feel like a Jack of all and master of none. 

The one I am most successful with at the moment is momma. Which truthfully is most important to me currently, as I feel it should be. 

But then the others are lacking...some way more than others.

I want to be the best I can with each role but sometimes the best I can be is not the best for the other person in the receiving relationship. So I try again and again. I try again and again to learn how to make each part of this puzzle fit together and live in harmony. 

I push forward with one and then feel another lacking, I give more to one and take from another. 

And it's exhausting. And I am not looking for a solution, as I know there is only the one of trial and error and work and thoughtful reflection to keep trying to balance. This will continue to be a battle forever. I just have to forgive myself and try again and let those out there know I am trying. And I am doing my best. The neglect is not on purpose or because I don't care. There is just so much of me, which sometimes (like today) feels like there's just not enough of. 

So for today I try again to fit into all these roles at wholly as I can. And realize....This is the day that the lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

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Jeremiah Cha Cha Cha......

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart. - Jeremiah 1:5


Pork chop, cuddle-butt, buba, little brother, Jeremiah cha cha cha, little man, Miah, sweet Jeremiah are just a handful of the names we have for him.
The fourth member of our Team is fitting in perfectly. He loves his big brother and watches him constantly. He squeals when big brother laughs or jumps around putting on a special show just for him to watch.
He likes to cuddle in bed with us around 4am until his brother gets up around 7. Then they both cuddle in bed with us for a little while with lots of "good morning Jeremiah" from big brother. We all slowly make it to the kitchen for coffee, milk, and some form of bread product with "JAM" on it for big brother. He loves Jam lately. All the while Jeremiah is watching his brother from my lap. He started solids and is loving them. He sits in his high chair next to big brother. Both in highchairs next to each other is just too adorable.
All and all the dust is settling nicely here. It was rough, I'm not gonna lie but it was so worth it. Those first 4 months of trying to balance them both was hard to get down but I think we are finally doing it well.

Both Mr. Big Dog and I have know a Jeremiah in our younger lifetime. Both of us thought fondly of them and their name. It is a strong name and he is strong boy. It is a solid name and he is a solid boy. He makes his presence known when he wants to but doesn't seem to make himself the center of attention. More like I'll let you know when I need you, or hey I'm over here if you need me. Then other times he just goes with the flow of the family and hangs out taking it all in.

He and big brother are bonding with hand holding, Miah grabs at him and really anything in his reach lately. I know it is very early but I see bunk beds and middle of the night chatting and laughing in their future. I see flash lights and tent camping in the backyard. Adventures on bikes and wrestling with daddy. I love being a boys mama and I especially love my boys and how our family is developing.

For I know the plans I have for you Plans to prosper you not harm you Plans to give you hope and future - Jeremiah 29:11

Miah is very similar to his brother but oh so different at the same time.  He is so perfect and was made just for us. Both are very active and strong, like can hardly hold in your arms when they want to move around. But Miah seems more cuddly, and likes to be held more often it seems. As oppose to big brother who we called "the observer" who sometimes just wanted to be put down to watch you.  Both seem to have loud voices when they started babbling those lovely baby babbles. Miah has a little hoarseness to his voice sometimes, which I wonder if it will stay. And physically you can definitely tell they are brothers. It's uncanny how you could mix up the pictures of them, but then they look so different too. Miah's mouth is a little more like daddy's I think. Jonah seems to have more of mommy's smile.

I am feeling blessed to have two boys, blessed the colic is over of course, blessed to get to stay home with them and watch every milestone happen before my eyes.

The hours are long, the pay is poor but every second of my job is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars.......

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I might give my right eye for the cure for colic

God only gives you as much as you can handle right? Poor little mister has officially been diagnosed with colic...and a severe case at that. He has had some miserable days and tends to really be the most uncomfortable from 2 to 4 am unfortunately. His tummy seems upset and at times there is nothing I or anyone else can do to soothe him.
He's healthy, already at 12 lbs, and so strong with loving tummy time and lifting his head so high I think he might try to roll over if he tilts just a little to the left or right.
He has been giving me smiles already at 5 weeks old. He seems to have even given his big brother a couple smiles and coos, which is so heart melting. He is happy at times but then he is also afflicted with these fits that come over him and just make him look so physically uncomfortable.

These fussy crying fits that overcome him are so painful for me to watch and I now really do understand a parent's pain of not being able to soothe your child. Especially when they are so new to the world. But just when I think I can't handle the fussy crying a second longer, like nails on a chalkboard or just the nerve racking of him being so upset for so long.... God calms him and helps him to sleep. Or even gives him a full night like last night where he is able to eat and go back to sleep without the rage from 2-4am. For him and myself the break was much needed.

Besides God himself some other things that are helping little mister get some rest and relief are:

Swaddling. Big brother liked being swaddled too, so of course we were already fans but he seems to get some comfort from it.

The swing or mama-roo: He seems to sleep much better upright and with a little constant movement. The swing is on constantly at night in our room. And the vibrating button is a must as well.

The pacifier: Sometimes yes, sometimes no....depends on his mood at the moment.

Sound machine: Again something big brother loved as an infant. The ocean sound is a favorite at the moment and helps us to not have to be silent around him as he sleeps. It looks like a sheep which is cute too.

Mama's milk: Sometimes that is all that soothes him, boob = silent peace and calm....and eventually sleep...but sometimes he is too upset for even that.

Gerber's Soothe Colic drops: This is a pro biotic was are trying per the recommendation of his Dr. It helps change the bacteria in the gut...which is found to be a little off in colic inflicted babies. And helps 50% of the time....still can't tell if its helping or not but we are hopeful.

Daddy wearing him in the baby Bjorn and walking around: He will usually pass out this way after a short while.

The car: Like most books, websites, fellow parents suffering from colic inflicted babes....this will most of the time get little mister to sleep.

Anyways, the length of colic in infants is suppose to last until they are 3-4 months old, so hopefully we are halfway thru this timeline. Poor little mister......

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Jeremiah has arrived.....

Two days overdue, exhausted and just plain ready we went with the advice of our midwife to have an induction on March 19th. I'm not gonna lie, it was scary. After our last birth experience with Jonah and knowing too much being in health care myself, induction might as well been a four letter word. I of course trusted whole heartily my midwife and used her judgement to guide us.

Day and night is the best way to describe our newest little mister coming to us. Jonah came in like a lion and labor was 18 hours with the last 2 1/2 pushing. Who we now know to be Jonah's little brother, Jeremiah was a mere 8 hours of labor with oh.....15 mins of pushing.

I can't say how much relief we have with Jeremiah being here, healthy, and my personal recovery being much gentler this time around. I want to say it even makes my latest sleepless nights less brutal and more tolerable.

Jonah is adjusting quite better than we anticipated for a 17 month old. The newness at least hasn't worn off at this point. He calls him "my miah" and "brother" sweetly. He talks to him in jibber jabber and shows him his cars/trucks. He is as gentle as 17 month old can be and wants to "kiss miah" often. We really couldn't ask for a better start to adding Jeremiah to our family.

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