Friday, January 25, 2013

Before I was pregnant and before I had Jonah I had a severely unrealistic expectation of how my life would be after. I don't know why but I just pictured myself managing everything simultaneously without even breaking a sweat. Taking care of my little guy and then have dinner on the table, all the while maintaining part of my past career life on the side.

 I have always taken on too much, put too much on my plate so to speak. ALWAYS.

But when that plate is now shared with a little boy who needs you and really doesn't get to speak up and participate in the pile growing on the plate.....well things just get put into perspective very quickly.

I am a person of my word. But my word is beginning to smudge and run with trying to stretch myself too thin. My word is not becoming good for much, and before it completely disintegrates I need to do something.

I am suffering poorly at everything since I can not give any of it 100%. Jack of all trades, master of none....that's been me lately. My stubbornness has been in full force leading my poor decisions and not letting me truly face where my attention and time really needs to be. Since it would take me going back on my word to undo some of my plate pile.

But something snapped yesterday. I have to say goodbye to that old me of being a YES, YES, YES person. It's not just about me, it's about Jonah and my family. I've been distracted too often and not present with what is going on right in front of me.

So with embarrassment and humility I had to let go of something very big.
A project I was to be in charge of.
Mr. Big Dog encouraged me to pray about it......which I did, I took a big deep breath and let go. I jumped in and was honest with the people that needed to know. I told them the truth. I can't do it.

Part of me feels like a dog with my tail between my legs, but I have to say there is another huge part of me that feels like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And within the next month more and more of this weight will be let go until I am settled with just the things that matter most.

Sometimes putting the brakes on is just the best thing you can do......but really I should have never gotten into the car.


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